ATTACK OF THE KILLER THONGS

"Attack of the Killer Tomatoes" comes to my mind following a news report earlier this week. No, I am not talking about the current salmonella outbreak. I am referring to the 1978 movie in which a mad scientist mutates tomatoes that come to life and revolt against humanity. Time marches on. Now we have the attack of the killer thongs.

Macrida Patteerson, 52, filed a lawsuit claiming that she was injured by a defective thong she purchased from Victoria's Secret. Patterson, a Los Angeles traffic control officer, says that while changing into her "Sexy Little Thing" low-rise v-string after work, a heart-shaped pendant attached to the fabric with a metal fastener snapped, creating a "slingshot effect" which caused either the pendant or the fastener to strike her in the eye.

Patterson claims that, after the incident, she drove home but "barely made it" because of her eye injury. Her attorney says she suffered a scratched cornea and had to miss two weeks of work. It is noteworthy that Dr. Thomas Kuhns, a prominent New York ophthalmologist who has not examined Patterson, says that "a cornea abrasion usually clears up in a day or two." Looks like what we have here is a frivolous lawsuit.

The attack of the killer thongs brings to mind the attack of the killer coffee. In 1994, a 79-year-old woman ordered a 49-cent cup of coffee from the drive-thru of a McDonald's in Albuquerque, New Mexico. The "victim" was sitting in the passenger seat of her car. She placed the cup between her knees and pulled the far side of the lid toward her to remove it so she could add some cream and sugar. As a result, she spilled the entire cup of coffee in her lap.

A hospital examinaton determined that the victim suffered third-degree burns on six percent of her skin and lesser burns over sixteen percent. She sued McDonald's claiming that the coffee was "defective" because it was hotter and more likely to cause serious injury than coffee served elsewhere. The jury's award of $2.86 million to the victim was reduced to $640,000 by the trial judge. McDonald's settled for an undisclosed amount in order to avoid a lengthy appeal. Another frivolous lawsuit, but a lucrative one.

Patterson's attorney claims that the killer thongs lawsuit against Victoria's Secret is about holding "retailers accountable for (defective) products they sell," and not about money. Yeah, right! And by the way, what iin the hell is a 52-year-old woman thinking wearing thongs? Paris Hilton she's not and never will be!