SOS CALL FROM THE PHILIPPINES (UPDATE)

Busted for money laundering and put on the No Fly List

[Sent from my lawyer’s office computer]

Mr. Ling, my lawyer, informs me that he received a number of responses to my SOS call for help, none of which were actually helpful.

The first to respond was PACOVILLA reader ‘turds and 10-15s’ who can be counted on to defend all correctional officers, both the good and the bad. ‘turds and 10-15s’ wrote: Ha ha, fuck you Howie! You should have been locked up long ago. I dare you to take your cheap shots at your Filipino COs like you’ve done to California’s COs. Ha ha, I dare you! Yeah, remember when you told me to go soak my head in a tub of turds? Well now, you can soak your head in that honey bucket, ha ha ha ha!

My son wrote: Tough shit, dad!. I warned you not to put that pouch on. I did contact the administrative aides of Senator John Cornyn and Congressman Ted Poe. Both called me back to say DHS refuses to remove you from the No Fly List because you’ve been badmouthing President Obama on your blogs. DHS told them you should contact that Obama hater Binjamin Netanyahu, and maybe he’ll send an Israeli plane to take you to his troublemaking Zionist entity.

My Alzheimer-stricken wife wrote: My husband ran off and left me and the children 20 years ago. Now that you’ve found the bastard, keep him!!!

Jay Wall wrote: Howie is a good friend, but to be honest, his elevator does not run all the way to the top. He’s been tilting at windmills on the marijuana issue. I know for a fact that he watches Reefer Madness every night before he goes to bed. Anyone who thinks Reefer Madness should have won the Academy Award, as Howie does, is to be pitied, not placed on the No Fly List.

Mr. Ling told me that Bob Walsh wrote a letter to Homeland Security Secretary Jeh Johnson pleading for him to take me off the No Fly List. Mr. Ling quoted Bob as writing: Please take Howie off the No Fly List so he can come back home. He’s 87 and a WWII veteran who served in the U.S. Army. He is the founder of the Texas Narcotics Officers Association. I’ll stake my life on it, but there is no way Howie is connected to the Sinaloa drug cartel, maybe the Juarez cartel, but not the Sinaloa cartel.

Trey wrote: I called Ross Perot and asked him if he would put together a Black Op team to extract you from the Philippines like he did for some of his employees who were trapped in Iran back in 1978. He said he seemed to recall you from the early TNOA years. Although he would like to help you, he’s sorry, but he’s no longer into that sort of thing. Howie, I wish you had followed my advice not to go to the Philippines. Looks like you’re fucked.

Jeff ‘Paco’ Doyle wrote: Looks like DEA Agent Justin Arschloch solved that problem ‘turds and 10-15s’ called to my attention about your postings causing a severe decline in PACOVILLA readership. Thanks for not following your son’s advice. Here’s wishing that as you remain in the Philippines, the short time you’ve got left on earth will prove to be a positive experience.

Dorina Lisson must have really gotten pissed off because I fantasized that I was making love to her when I had my moment with Leona. Dorina wrote: Making love to a horny transvestite while pretending that the she-man was me … how revolting, how utterly disgusting. That’s a capital offense. Although I’ve dedicated my life to opposing the death penalty, I’d make an exception in this instance. That degenerate old filthy swine … I hope someone puts the malocchio on Howie as he’s giving himself a hand-job so that his Viagra propped-up dick falls off into that honey bucket.

I knew I could count on Greg ‘Gadfly’ Doyle to answer my SOS call for help. Gadfly wrote: Mr. Ling, please tell Howie that when all else seems lost, Jesus still loves him.

So, where do all those emails leave me? I’m stuck in the Philippines because that asshole Arschloch took his frustration out against me over having to do time here on a no fucking good assignment. Mr. Ling is about to max out my credit card and my visa is due to expire. Things are looking bleak and ………. excuse the interruption, but Mr. Ling is telling me my visa expires today and he must take me back to the PNP pen tomorrow. Wait a minute ………. He says he’s fixed me up with a good looking woman for my last night of freedom. Says she’s also a client of his who got out of jail yesterday. Mr. Ling is saying, “As you Americans like to say, she’s hot to trot.” Her name is ….. What’s that again? … Oh holy shit! Her name is Leona.