Wednesday, January 18, 2006

MODERN KEYSTONE COPS

Those of us who have seen them, have had a belly-full of laughs watching silent movies with the keystone cops. While most police officers today are well trained and deserve the public's admiration and gratitude, there are still some boneheads in police uniforms and even some good officers making boneheaded mistakes. Believe it or not, the following OH SHIT situations actually ocurred.

GUNS. A police agency had not had any officer inspections for many years when they decided to hold a surprise line-up inspection. When the inspecting officer came to one of the men in his late 60s, the veteran cop was unable to draw his revolver from the holster. The inspector could not do so either. It was discovered that the gun had not been taken out of the holster for a number of years. The leather had become moldy, thus welding the revolver to the holster. It took several hours to peel and scrape the moldy leather off of the revolver.

A police agency which allowed its officers to carry their own guns conducted its annual firearms qualification exercises. One officer carried a .357 magnum revolver with a barrell so long that he was unable to draw his weapon from its holster because his armpit got in the way.

A police chief in his 70s accompanied his officers to the firearms range for their annual qualification exercises. During timed exercises, his officers consistently got off two or three shots before he even got his gun out of the holster. With only one more exercise remaining, he was determined to draw his gun as fast as his officers. When the whistle started the exercise, he actually got off the first shot. Unfortunately, his gun never left the holster and he shot himself in his right leg, from the thigh down to his knee. Oh yes, the old chief was a retired FBI firearms instructor.

After a short car chase, the crook bailed out and headed into the woods with an officer in hot pursuit. When the crook stopped and turned around, the officer quickly drew his gun from the holster. Unfortunately, the officer lost his grip and the gun flipped end over end right into the crook's hands. The amazed crook ended up pointing the gun at the officer, Fortunately though, the crook decided to surrender, returned the gun, and allowed the officer to take him into custody.

An officer, in a one-man unit, was in pursuit of a crook driving a stolen car. After a couple of near accidents, the officer got pissed off and drew his gun, held it out of the window, and fired a shot at the fleeing crook. Guess what? His round went right down along the top of the police car's fender, The resulting fender indentation cost about $700 to repair.

CARS. An officer was dispatched to flag down a moving freight train. The officer parked his unit on the railroad tracks, turned on his flashing light bar, got out of the police car, and frantically waved his arms back and forth in an effort to get the train to stop. The officer jumped aside at the very last moment. His unit was not as fortunate, ending up smashed into smithereens about a quarter of a mile down the track. Oh yes, the train did stop.

A couple of patrol officers, while on the midnight watch in a resort community, decided to park their patrol car on the beach and catch a few winks of sleep. When they awoke, they found themselves completely surrounded by a dozen or so cars. The people in the cars wanted to spend the night on the beach and parked by the police car because in doing so, they felt safe from predators.

A couple of officers, in the same beach community, also decided to "coop" on the beach one night. Being aware of what previously happened to the aforementioned officers, they found an isolated spot on the beach and went to sleep. They were awakened with the strange feeling that their feet were soaking wet. The high tide had come in and there were already several inches of water in the patrol car. They were forced to carefully wade ashore in knee deep water. By the time a wrecker arrived, the water was almost up to the window level.

A burglar was running down an alley pursued by two officers in a patrol car. Suddenly, he turned and jumped over a six foot fence. The driving officer, without hesitation (or thinking for that matter), opened the door and jumped out to chase the burglar. The problem was that he left the car in drive. His horrified partner was left trying to control the car from the passenger side. He barely avoided smashing into a telephone pole before bringing the unit to a stop. Did they catch the burlar? Nope.

A police officer in a one-man unit was dispatched to a neighborhood with a report that there were two great danes running loose. When he spotted the dogs, he was advised to see if he could pick them up because no animal control unit would be available. He got out of his unit, approached the two dogs, and found them to be friendly. He grabbed one by the collar and coaxed it into the back of his unit. He collared the second dog, but when he opened the door, the first one tried to get out. To keep the dog from getting out, he positioned himself between the two dogs and pulled the second one in with him. Holding on to the second dog, he pulled the door shut. OH SHIT! The rear doors had no door-openers in order to keep any prisoners from escaping. The officer was locked up in the back of the police car with his two new Gread Dane buddies. He did not have a hand-held radio and, because of the screen separating the front compartment from the rear, he could not reach the unit's rado. It was more than half an hour before someone came along to let him out.

BRAVE BUT STUPID. On a serious note, every day somewhere in the United States, one or more officers will try to stop a fleeing driver by jumping in front of his car, waving at him to stop. Usually the officers are able to jump out of the way without getting hurt. Sometimes they are hit by the car. Sometimes they shoot at the driver, either before he is about to hit them, or after the fleeing car has gone by. The driver, when caught, is usually charged with aggravated assault, or even attempted murder, for intentionally trying to run down the officer. While a few of these fleeing suspects do try to run down the officers, the overwhelming majority are only trying to avoid arrest and believe that the officers will get out of the way in time. The incidents of officers jumping in front of fleeing cars, and then shooting at them, were so frequent in Houston, Texas, that recently the police department in that city issued a written policy forbidding officers from trying to stop drivers by those means.

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