CRIMINAL JUSTICE SCHOOL HUMOR

During my 25 years of teaching Criminal Justice courses, there have been many occasions during which some of my students gave answers or made statements in class or on evaluatioms which gave me and my students a big laugh. Here are just five examples.

MODUS OPERANDI. During a Criminal Investigation class in which we were studying burglary investigations, I covered the not uncommon modus operandi of some burglars to defecate on the floor of the victim's residence. I asked one young lady, "How do you spell defecate?" Without a moment's hesitation she replied by spelling out, "S-H-I-T." Needless to say, that broke up the whole class, and it wiped out the remaining 10 minutes of the period. (Some years later, she was elected to a constable's position.)

TRAFFIC ENFORCEMENT. During a Human Relations class we were discussing when to issue a citation to a traffic violator, and when to give the violator a pass. My contention was (and still is) that when you give a ticket because the violator pissed you off with a bad attitude, your are not citing him for the violtaion, but rather for his attitude. I suggested that if an officer had considered giving the violator a break before talking to him, he should go ahead and give him a warning without writing a ticket, even if the violator mouthed off at the officer. One student, a police captain, agreed that from a human relations point, it was a good idea. However, he said that if a violator pissed him off he would not give him a break. When I asked why not, he replied, "Because IT SURE FEELS GOOD when you give that asshole a ticket." About half the students in that class were police officers, and all of them cheered at the captain's response. Most of the other students laughed, while I was left dumfounded.

CRASH COURSE IN PENOLOGY. During an Introduction to Criminal Justice class, one student told about the time he had been jailed on a misdemeanor charge. He was placed in a two-bunk cell which was already occupied by a "big fat Mexican." His cellmate was sitting on top of two mattresses on the lower bunk. The student said, "Sir, I think one of those mattresses is mine." His cellmate replied, "You got any money?" The student answered, "No, the cops took it all when they booked me." His cellmate then asked, "You got any cigarettes?" The student answered, "No, I don't smoke." The cellmate then said, "YOU AINT GOT NO MATTRESS." While the student was dead serious, most of the class laughed at his predicament. (Actually, his story presented the class with a good illustration of life behind bars, where the strong prey on the weak.)

EVALUATION OF INSTRUCTOR. At the end of a police academy, the trainees were given an evaluation form for each instructor. The form had seven catagories, each to be evaluated by a sliding scale number. There was also a blank space where the trainee could comment on what he LIKED most about the instructor and another space for what he DISLIKED most about the instructor. A final blank was for additional comments. I had conducted a number of classes during the academy. One trainee who turned in the evaluation form on me, did not mark any of the sliding scale catagories, nor did he fill in the "like" and "dislike" blanks. However, in the "additional comments" blank he wrote, "YOU CAN'T MAKE CHICKEN SALAD OUT OF CHICKEN SHIT." To top it off, he underlined "chicken shit." (That evaluation has been framed and occupies a prominent space on my office wall.)

SAY WHAT? I went to study another college's criminal justice program which was directed by an old friend of mine. He asked me to attend one of his seminars. After he introduced me to the 100 or so students, he told them, "Recently we've both switched to oral sex." There were a lot of very audible gasps. Then he went on, "At our age, all we can do is talk about it."

ZAPPED BY DICK IN THE BOX. Every regional Police Academy has a special graduation ceremony. These affairs are usually attended by police administrators from all the agencies whose cadets are graduating, by city and county officials, by one or more chaplains, and by the parents, spouses, children, and other family members of the graduates. The cadets usually present the academy staff with laudatory plaques and other gifts. While I was in the middle of conducting one of these ceremonies, the class president approached the podium and gave me a gift-wrapped present. All the cadets yelled for me to open it right then and there. I unwrapped the box, lifted the lid, and like a Jack-in-the-box, up popped a life-sized plastic PENIS. The audience reaction ranged all the way from hysterical laughter to absolute silence, accompanied by frigid stares and glares. (Later, someone told me that I looked like I was going to die, and I almost did.)