Last night I was privileged to address over 500 diners at the annual conference banquet of a state narcotic officers association. The next time I wear the suit I was wearing, I will probably be in a box. Anyway, the occasion reminded me of some resarch I did several years ago on what, if anything, dopers and dope dealers have in common.
As you may know, college professors are expected to conduct research and have their findings published if they want to keep their teaching positions. In the academic community it's "Publish or Perish." My study on the commonalities of dopers and dope dealers was empricical, rather than scientific. My study was done while accompaning narcotic officers as they conducted numerous drug raids and as they arrested lots of dopers and dope dealers.
What I found was amazing. It seems that the mothers of almost every doper and dope dealer had given the same names to their offspring. Those names were not "Billy Bob" or "Jesus Miguel." Empirical evidence has disclosed that the name commonly given was "Mother Fu--er" and which I will refer to from now on as "M.F." for brevity purposes.
How did I arrive at this finding? Apparently, in today's politically correct society with its demand for a kinder gentler police force, police officers must have been instructed to address citizens by their names whenver possible. Time after time, I heard officers calling dopers and dope dealers by their names. Following are just a few of the cheerful greetings I recorded.
"This is the police. We have a search warrant. Open the door, M.F." "On the ground, M.F." "Stop M.F., or I'll shoot." "Drop that gun, M.F." "Hey M.F., don't talk Mexican." "What did you call me, M.F.?" "Listen M.F., shut up." "Hey M.F., get out of the car and on the ground." "Gotcha M.F., you're busted."
I could go on and on, but now you know how I arrived at my findings. When my left-wing colleagues saw the results of my study, they became apoplectic. Those commies felt compelled to debunk my research. I think their study was flawed because they only contacted their dope dealers. In any case, this is what they found - the majority of police officers were also named "Mother Fu--er" by their mothers.
That was not the first time those commies tried to debunk one of my studies. I once surveyed hundreds of police officers to detect similarities among common citizens. The study revealed that many citizens appeared to have been named "Asshole" by their mothers, with "Dickhead" being the next most popular given name. My left-wing colleagues countered with a study of commonalities among police officers. They found that ALL police officers were named "Asshole."
Come to think of it, I remember that many of those left-wingers were also named "Asshole." "M.F." and "Asshole" appear to be our country's most popular given names. Say what? Did I just hear you say those commies have all called me "Mother Fu--er?" I am so shocked that the only words I can find to express myself are those of the immortal Jackie Gleason in his role as Sheriff Buford T. Justice - "Sumbitch, what the hell is the world coming to?"
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