NO MORE COPS UNDER 60

I'm sure a lot of cops wish that policing would return to the good old days, like when I was a cop. In those days cops were not prejudiced - we just kicked the shit out of everybody. It took only a couple of smacks to the head to get a juvenile's attention and that was usually enough to keep him in line. We didn't take any crap from anyone. If someone mouthed off at us, they would be collecting a handful of their teeth from the sidewalk.

In the good old days people rarely gave us cops any crap. Despite frequent "kick ass and take names later" incidents, most people respected police officers. And crime rates were lower to boot. In those days, we didn't have or need any of those college educated pussy cops with their fuzzy pointy-headed liberal nonsense of sweet-talking to turds. And thankfully, in the good old days there were no women cops to get in the way of us doing our jobs.

It's too bad the good old days are gone. Today's ass-kissing policing has little to do with civil rights. It has more to do with capitulating to the sensitivities of the various constituencies police are having to deal with. It almost seems as if today's cops are expected to salute the Mexican flag and to make Jessee Jackson and Al Sharpton honorary policemen. Fuck all those thin-skinned assholes and their feelings! I say, let's return to the good old days! And the way to do that is by not hiring any police officers under the age of 60. Here's why:

Researchers say those in their twenties think about sex every 10 seconds. Those of us over 60 think about sex at most twice a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on our work.

Young officers haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky cop is an aggressive cop. Us older guys complain a lot about our physical ailments. We are an impatient lot and by letting us kick the living shit out of some asshole who desperately deserves it, maybe that will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.

Young guys don't even like to get up before 10 AM. Us old guys alway get up early to pee, so what the hell. And since we're already up, we might as well be up kicking the shit out of some sorry son-of-a-bitch.

Some of the physical training exercises would have to be easier for us old guys. They could do away with the obstacle course because in all my years as a cop, I never saw any 20 foot wall with rope hanging over the side. And after I finished my basic training, I never had to go hand over hand under a long set of crossbars or do any pushups and pull-ups. The running part is kind of a waste of energy too - I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

And, those basic training instructors would not have to yell and scream at us like they do at the younger guys. We're used to getting yelled and screamed at by our wives and kids. We've also developed an appreciation for guns. We've been using guns for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from all the yelling and screaming.

So, stop hiring young cops and let us old guys go out on the streets to confront any dirty rotten troublemakers. The last thing those assholes want to see is a bunch of pissed-off armed and dangerous old farts with attitudes who don't give a shit anymore because they know their best years are already way behind them.