THE FIVE WORST PEOPLE OF 2013

‘The 20 Worst People of 2013’ was posted by Peter Kotz in the December 11 issue of Houston Press Hair Balls. Here are the five worst from Kotz’s list:

5. Thomas Lowe

Eagan, Minnesota divorce lawyer Thomas Lowe was representing an abused woman with mental troubles. His services included more than unlimited bluster and threatening paperwork. He also provided full-immersion discovery, bedding her just to ensure that he'd probed every last detail of the case.

It is said that Lowe possesses the erotic fury of a caged ferret. The woman was smitten -- even though Lowe was actually billing her for their time in bed.

Six months later, the married lawyer declared the bedroom phase of the case concluded. But his decision was premature, perhaps clouded by the fact that her bank account was running low. She responded by trying to whack herself.

The affair was revealed at the hospital, which led the state bar association to accuse Lowe of conduct unbecoming, even for a lawyer. Though he had upheld the profession's highest calling -- the blind pursuit of billable hours -- his law license was indefinitely suspended.

4. Marcus O'Neal

Aside from spending the diaper money on Wild Turkey and crack, nothing quite says "I love you" like unbridled jealousy. Or so thought Marcus O'Neal.

He's not the most self-confident man. It's a reasonable position, since he's also a moron and a candy-ass. The evidence: His girlfriend had "liked" a photo on Facebook that showed a female friend and another man. O'Neal equated the like with lust for the man and flew into a rage.

He closed the windows so the neighbors couldn't hear, then began beating his girlfriend, calling her a whore and threatening to kill her as four kids in the home shrieked in horror.
At one point, the woman nearly blacked out. O'Neal ripped off her clothes, "inspecting for signs of infidelity," according to police. Because he'd never watched CSI, he was unaware that electronic images can't be detected on the human body.

Springfield, Missouri police charged him with three counts of domestic assault.

3. Jonathan Savas

There's a reason tornados always ask for directions to the nearest trailer park whenever they come to town. They're looking for people like Jonathan Savas.

Savas was hanging at a friend's mobile home in Sha-De-Land, Florida with his ten-month-old baby and the child's mother. The child wouldn't stop crying, presumably interrupting Savas' thoughtful discourse on Keynesian economics. So he decided to sit on the baby's head. Nothing quite silences a fussy infant like suffocation by buttocks.

The friend confronted Savas. The child's mom told him to stop. But Savas invoked his paternal right to be an asshole. "It's my baby," he allegedly responded. "I can do whatever I want."

Police contested his thesis by arresting him for child abuse.

2. William T. Woodward

William Woodward had a longstanding beef with a neighbor. The man had borrowed a roll of duct tape that went unreturned. Woodward simmered, since it's apparently very difficult to find duct tape in Florida.

His rage turned to a boil on Labor Day, when his neighbors were holding a cookout. Woodward claims he heard someone yell, "Come on, boys... We're going to get him. We're going to get him, all three of us." Or maybe he just imagined it, since the phrasing sounds suspiciously like the wooden dialogue on Rizzoli and Isles.

Either way, he snuck up on the party and shot three men, killing two of them. The third survived despite being shot 11 times.

Yet Woodward thought it a righteous shooting. He asked that murder charges be dismissed, citing Florida's Stand Your Ground law and the Bush Doctrine.
Legal experts believe the Stand Your Ground defense may be a longshot, since the law was intended to let Floridians shoot black kids who enjoy Skittles, not white guys cooking meat.

The Bush Doctrine shows more promise. It was used by President George W. Bush to justify the Iraq War. Though Iraq had yet to attack the U.S., he reasoned, it probably might. So he considered himself legally justified in blowing Iraq up now, rather than waiting until we're all wearing veils and getting squeamish over hot dogs.

Woodward awaits trial on murder charges.

1. Wells Fargo

Retiree Larry Delassus suffered from a rare blood-clot disorder that often left him disoriented and hospitalized. But this disability would prove minor compared to a more serious affliction: He was a customer of Wells Fargo.

The bank held the mortgage on his Hermosa Beach, California condo. Unfortunately for Larry, Wells Fargo mistook him for another customer, who happened to owe thirteen grand in back taxes. Despite his protests, it doubled Larry's mortgage to pay off the non-existent taxes. He quickly fell behind.

At some point, Wells Fargo discovered it had confused Larry with another resident of his complex. But the company foreclosed on him anyway.

Being a banker means never having to say you're sorry. And you get to take people's homes. It's a win-win situation.

Larry lost his condo and was forced into assisted living.

He sued Wells Fargo for negligence and discrimination, but died one day in court. A coroner ruled it heart failure. Larry's friends believe the bank killed him.

There is a happy ending, however. The American Bankers Association gave Wells Fargo its Benito Mussolini Award, bestowed annually for "the exemplary persecution of orphans, widows, and sickly old guys." It is considered the industry's highest honor.