Monday, January 07, 2008

AMAZING AMUSING ALIBIS

Superstar baseball pitcher Roger Clemens has been accused by trainer Brian McNamee of using steroids and human growth hormones, substances that were allegedly injected at least 16 times into his buttocks. McNamee also named a number of other athletes during a U.S. Justice Department investigation after having been warned there would be serious consequences if he did not tell the truth. Clemens claims McNamee is a liar and has filed a defamation lawsuit against his former trainer.

Clemens vehemently denied the allegations during an interview with Mike Wallace for CBS' 60 Minutes. That interview was shown last night. A visibly angry Clemens claims that McNamee injected him with lidocaine to relieve pain in his joints and with Vitamin B-12 which he said he takes on a regular basis for his health. He insisted that he has never taken any steroids or human growth hormones.

Unfortunately, this is a case of "he said, he said." I would like to believe Clemens, but my experience investigating narcotics cases makes it hard for me to buy his protestations. First there is his claim to have taken lidocaine for joint pains. Lidocaine is a local anesthetic used topically to relieve itching, burning and pain from skin inflammations. It is injected as a dental anesthetic and in minor surgeries. While a lidocaine shot in his butt might relieve Clemens of a pain in the ass, it is impossible for that injection to have any effect on a pain in his joints.

(During a news conference this evening, with his attorney by his side, Clemens changed his story about why he was taking lidocaine. Instead of "It's for my joints" as he explained it on 60 Minutes, he now claims to have taken the lidocaine injections for back pains. While his butt is clearly closer to his back than to his joints, lidocaine must be injected directly into the immediate site of the pain for it to have any effect. Thus, a butt injection could not possibly relieve a pain in his back.)

Then there is McNamee's accusation. He was being investigated by the Justice Department for the illegal distribution of steroids and human growth hormones to athletes. He was offered immunity from prosecution for his cooperation, but with the warning that the deal would be off and he would face additional charges for perjury if he did not tell the truth. It does not seem plausible that he would jeopardize a deal to avoid prosecution, and then face additional charges as well, by lying to investigators about his former close friend Clemens.

Finally, after having interrogated hundreds of illegal drug users, it has been my experience that there is nothing more convincing than a drug user trying to convince someone that he is not using drugs. And on 60 Minutes, Clemens' denials did appear to be very convincing. After that broadcast, his attorney announced that any one who did not believe what Clemens said "is not well." (Sorry sir, while I would like to believe your client, I find it hard to swallow his denials and, by the way, I do feel rather well.)

So, now it's back to "he said, he said" and who to believe. It all boils down to who has the most incentive to tell the truth and who has the most incentive to lie. McNamee, under threat of prosecution if he did not tell the truth, has a compelling reason not to lie. On the other hand, to protect his good name and reputation, Clemens has a compelling reason to deny ever having used any performance enhancing substances, whether that is the truth or not.

Last Saturday, Steve Campbell, a featured sports writer with the Houston Chronicle, had a column on the extraordinary excuses used by Clemens and other athletes in the face of doping charges. His column was hillarious. Yesterday, I was in deep shit with my wife because it was her birthday and, you guessed it, I forgot the occasion. She never reads the sports pages, but I made her read Campbell's column. It gave her a number of belly laughs and that sort of got me off the hook. (Thanks Steve.)

Steve Campbell has given me permission to use his Houston Chronicle column in this blog. So, be prepared for some good laughs as you read about these really amazing and incredulous alibis.

Ross Ribagliati, a Canadian snowboarder was stripped of his Olympic gold medal in 1998 for testing positive for marijuana. He claimed to have been exposed to some second-hand smoke during a New Year's Eve party in Canada. (Nevermind that his competition took place over a month later in Japan.)

Italian soccer player Marco Borriello blamed a positive drug test on an ointment he had rubbed on his pecker because his Argenitne model girlfriend had passed on an infection.

Olympian Dennis Mitchell blamed his illegal levels of testosterone on drinking several beers and having sex with his wife at least four times on the eve of his test. "It was the lady's birthday; she deserved a treat."

Cyclist Tyler Hamilton used the evil twin defense after testing positive for blood doping. He explained that a "vanishing twin" died in his mother's womb, infecting him with the incriminating-looking foreign blood.

Spanish discus thrower David Martinez blamed a positive steroid test on eating some infected pig meat and tennis player Petr Korda blamed a positive drug test on eating too much veal.

Chinese track coach Ma Junren blamed three of his record-setting runners testing positive for the performance enhancing hormone EPO on a supplement containing dried caterpillars and turtle blood.

German runner Dieter Baumann claimed he failed a test because someone must have injected his toothpaste with steroids.

High jumper Javier Sotomayor blamed a positive cocaine test on the CIA or the anti-Cuban mafia spiking his food.

Uzbekistan track coach Sergei Voynov explained he had a stockpile of growth hormone to treat his baldness.

British bobsledder Lenny Paul blamed a failed doping test on tainted spaghetti Bolognese.

British shotputter Paul Edwards blamed a failed steroids test on drinking shampoo. (Shampoo, the pause that refreshes.)

Campbell's column also recounted some excuses offered by athletes after a poor performance or for their temporary absence from competition. Zambian tennis player Lighton Ndefwayl offered a litany of excuses for losing a match to Musumba Bwayla. Calling his opponent "a stupid man and a hopeless player," Ndefwayl said he lost "because my jock strap was too tight." He also complained about suffering from concentration lapses because whenever Bwayla served, he farted. (Now that excuse really stinks!)

Soccer player Darren Barnard blamed a five months absence from competition on the fact he had slipped on puppy pee. Brazilian soccer player Ramalho explained that he spent three days sick in bed after he swallowed a suppository intended to treat a dental condidtion. (This poor slob obviously doesn't know the difference between his ass and his mouth.) Outfielder Marty Cordova blamed a week's absence on a severe sunburn suffered when he fell asleep at a tanning salon.

All these alibis reminded me of the time I busted a doper after his urine test proved to be positive for heroin. Despite fresh injection marks on both arms and other parts of his body, he vehemently denied any recent use of heroin. Instead, he blamed the positive test on "bad urine."

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