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TOP TEN CELEBRITIES THIS DECADE WHO CRASHED AND BURNED
By Jeff Balke
Houston Press Hair Balls
December 31, 2010
The last ten years have seen plenty of celebrities suffer through problems from addiction and divorce to sex tapes and violence, but if you want to make it on our list of celebrities who crashed and burned, you have to do some really dumb stuff. It also helps if you were super famous to begin with and if you approached your failure with the smugness of a jerk off who cuts people off in traffic and flips them the bird because they honked.
You have to be a real wreck to make this list. Here we go.
10. TOM SIZEMORE
Tom Sizemore is a critically acclaimed tough-guy actor, who has been highly sought after by directors and has appeared in numerous successful films including True Romance, Heat, Saving Private Ryan and Black Hawk Down. Unfortunately, Sizemore is also an addict. As a result, this promising actor now has a string of arrests and stints in jail to add to his resume. He has been shot, arrested for assault and battery against his former girlfriend, "Hollywood Madam" Heidi Fleiss, and nabbed for possession of meth. Recently, he was encouraged to go on Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew because if you are going to get sober, you may as well get paid for it.
9. DAVID HASSELHOFF
No one is allowed to hassle the Hoff except, of course, for the Hoff himself. The former soap star, chief Pamela Anderson bikini waxer on Baywatch and unlikely German pop star also happens to be a raging alcoholic who rolls around on the floor with hamburgers while his daughter rolls the camera. For someone with marginal talent, his stint as a judge on America's Got Talent notwithstanding, he should be drinking in every moment of success instead of every fifth of vodka he can get his hands on.
8. TOM DELAY
There are a lot of you out there who find this particular collapse to be quite satisfying. The self-proclaimed "Texas Hammer" and conservative congressional leader went from running the House of Representatives to being convicted of money laundering. His tactics as a political leader were often blunt and brutal, which made it seem like poetic justice when his guilty verdict was handed down in similar fashion. To go from a couple heartbeats away from the Presidency to a drop of the soap away from sodomy is a fall worthy of a Greek tragedy.
7. TOM CRUISE
Does anyone remember when this guy made women swoon? We don't either. The superstar actor found success through good looks and a boyish charm on the big screen in everything from blockbuster films Top Gun and Mission Impossible to more dramatic turns in Rain Man and Magnolia. He stared down Jack Nicholson, became a Samurai and managed to survive Stanley Kubrick and his awful, spare, one-note-at-a-time piano theme in Eyes Wide Shut. Now, Cruise is known as much for his beliefs in Scientology, bizarre public behavior and the much rumored captivity of his actress wife, Katie Holmes. His movies have started to tank and everyone just assumes he's gay. On top of all that, Goose died because he was too much of a Maverick.
6. MICHAEL RICHARDS
Julia Louis-Dreyfus has managed to carve out a post-Seinfeld career for herself. Jerry still does stand up comedy quite successfully. Even Jason Alexander works in Broadway productions, where he got his start. Then there's Kramer. After the show about nothing went off the air, Richards found zero luck on his own. His NBC pilot tanked and nothing else substantial came along for the former hipster dufus. Then, in 2006, on stage at a comedy club, he went, as Regis Philbin said of Kramer, "bonko!" He not only called out a heckler, but dropped the n-word repeatedly. Naturally, it was all caught on camera. Richards appeared in several forums and offered awkward apologies, but the damage was done. Giddyup!
5. ROGER CLEMENS
Roger Clemens is arguably the greatest pitcher in the history of baseball and he probably won't get into the Hall of Fame. That's what happens when you cheat and then lie about it. The Rocket allegedly took steroids, which, as we've all witnessed in congressional hearings and via incessant discussion on sports talk radio, is a HUGE no-no. To make matters worse, no one believes him when he says it never happened, whether it is in front of members of congress or on 60 Minutes. His former best friend and fellow pitcher, Andy Pettite, admitted he used a banned substance to recover from injuries more quickly and the world magically forgave him. Clemens' unwillingness to admit anything has led to not only derision from fans, but, potentially, a conviction for perjury.
4. WHITNEY HOUSTON
"Crack is whack." That famous sentence, uttered in an interview with Diane Sawyer, all but confirmed that Whitney Houston loved her crack. She and former husband Bobby Brown helped to illustrate that with their bizarre behavior on his reality series Being Bobby Brown. It's amazing considering Houston is the most awarded female artist of all time and in the top five in all-time album sales. She is also regarded as one of the most influential singers in modern history. Cocaine is a helluva drug.
3. LINDSAY LOHAN
Really hot. Super talented. Totally fucked up. Welcome to the world of Lindsay Lohan. The former Disney child star-turned-sex-kitten was not only considered one of the sexiest women in showbiz, but was sought after for serious roles because of her obvious acting chops. A few arrests, several stints in rehab and jail time will take definitely take the shine off the apple. LiLo is still young and can be a star again -- if there is anything we love in this country more than a big star, it's the comeback of a celebrity train wreck -- but she'll need to leave the drugs, alcohol and pretending to be a lesbian behind if she wants to make it happen. This is all after she gets out of jail, natch.
2. TIGER WOODS
When superstar athletes lose a step on the field, it is jarring and difficult to watch. Any longtime sports fan has at least one story of when the cracks in his hero's armor were finally visible. The body gives out for everyone, but it is even more unnerving when an athlete's mental toughness deteriorates rapidly. Never has an athlete's decline been more suddenly evident than with Tiger Woods. Considered by many to be one of the greatest golfers to ever pick up a club, Woods had a resolve that made him both wildly successful and seriously intimidating to opponents. Tiger willed himself to win a U.S. Open practically on one leg as it was later revealed he had a torn ACL.
But, in 2009, after a late night incident involving his car, his wife and a 9-iron that can only be described as COPS-worthy, it was revealed Woods had affairs with more than a dozen women including a porn star and a cocktail waitress. From that point, the downward spiral included lost endorsements and an inevitable divorce. What is most surprising is the precipitous drop in his game, going from obviously the best in the game to just another golfer, that has many questioning whether he really is the greatest of all time.
1. MEL GIBSON
We think most people kinda thought Mel Gibson was a dick, but we doubt anyone outside of those closest to him had any idea just how big a tool he was until recently. The popular actor was always controversial with his conservative politics, derogatory comments about gays and movies about Jesus, but he was also a major box office star, a formidable actor and a sex symbol.
Then, in 2006, he was arrested for DUI and was said to have offered up some choice anti-Semitic remarks to the Jewish officer who arrested him. But that was nothing. This year, the floodgates opened when voicemails and recorded telephone conversations with his baby mama, Oksana Grigorieva, went public on the web. In what can best be described as the drunken rantings of a lunatic, Gibson curses like a sailor possessed by the ghost of Richard Pryor, threatens his girlfriend with violence, drops racial slurs by the handful and basically acts like a deranged asshole. From respected actor to misogynistic jackass, congratulations, Mel Gibson. No one crashes and burns bigger than you.
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