CAN'T COPS HAVE FUN ANYMORE?

Cops deserve a break every so often and they have their own way of having fun. So, why has District of Columbia Police Chief Cathy Lanier prohibited the thousands of visiting police officers, who will be in Wahington for this week's National Police Week activities, from having any fun?

Chief Lanier has ordered that fliers warning officers to obey the capital's rules about disorderly conduct, public intoxication and profanity, be prominently posted in all bars and hotels, and passed out downtown. The fliers included the statement that "The unacceptable behavior of some participants in activities associated with National Police Week has not gone unnoticed." Shit, can't cops have fun anymore?

No profanity? For cops, profanity is the primary means of communication, while English is their second language. This prohibition has the effect of silencing cops. Isn't that a viloation of a cop's right to free speech? No public intoxication? Hey, that's downright un-American. Drinking to excess is a way of allowing officers to get their minds off all the assholes, including some of their fellow cops, they have to deal with day in and day out. And, what about disorderly conduct? Well, that's in the eye of the beholder - isn't that the God-given right of common behavior for off-duty cops?

Here are some examples of the unique ways cops have fun. When the fuddy-duddy police chiefs of several neighboring communities prohibited all public off-duty drinking in their jurisdictions, their officers all went to a particular bar in the one neighboring community which permitted such drinking. Oh, what fun was had by all. There were the knock-down drag-out brawls and once there was even a shoot-out between two officers from different departments.

In one area, officers got together with some bar owners for an exclusive once-a-month cop's night. The way it worked, the cops and their guests were charged a cover fee which entitled them to all they could drink for free. Outsiders, unless they were good looking babes, were barred from these "private" parties. These Romanesque-like orgies came to a screeching halt after some imbecile cop brought his wife along. Seeing so many of his fellow married officers, whose wives were her friends, in the intimate company of other women caused a vituperative eruption of volcanic proportions. She threatened divorce and ratted the affair to the local police administration. What a killjoy!

I've been to a few police conferences in my time. For some officers, trashing hotel rooms is a favorite activity. One one occasion, a bunch of drunk officers drove through a number of (formerly) beautiful hotel flower beds. Once, in the middle of the night, a couple of officers shot at the resident swans in a hotel pond. Fortunately, they were so drunk that they missed the poor creatures. And then there is the joy of staggering down the corridor at three or four o'clock in the morning while shouting at the top of your voice so that all the other hotel guests on that floor can share in the fun you are having.

I remember one conference in San Diego (California) when a whole bunch of us crossed the border into Tijuana (Mexico). After imbibing at a few bars we ended up at a theater of sorts where they staged live sex shows. When there was a call for volunteers, about a dozen of our fellow officers scurried up to the stage. I can tell you that those amateurs performed admirably with a troupe of professional ladies, and they were able to do so in front of several hundred theater patrons. Now, those cops really had fun.

It looks like Chief Lanier is taking all the fun out of National Police Week. As a woman, she seems to have a narrow-minded viewpoint about off-duty fun at police gatherings. Thanks to Cathy Lanier, all good fun loving manly cops finally have a real reason to claim that women have no business doing police work.