RETURN THE DRONE?

By Adolf der Schweinehund

The Schalotte
December 13, 2011

From The National Post: A RQ-170 Sentinel, a high-altitude stealth drone known as the Beast of Kandahar, went down in Iran while on a surveillance mission. Iran said it shot the drone down, but the U.S. maintains it crashed due to a malfunction. Iran claims the drone penetrated 250 kilometers inside the Islamic republic’s air space.

President Barack Obama, Secretary of State Hillary Clinton and Defense Secretary Leon Panetta have called on Iran to return the RQ-170. Iranian Defense Minister Ahmad Vahidi rebuffed the Americans, saying that “The U.S. spy drone is the property of Islamic Republic of Iran. Tehran will decide what it wants to do in this regard.”

TEHRAN -- The Schalotte was successful in obtaining interviews with Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and with Supreme Leader Ayatollah Ali Khamenei. This reporter conducted the interviews together with Fereshteh Zamaani Fard, our interpreter.

THE INTERVIEW WITH PRESIDENT AHMADINEJAD:

Q: Mr. President, thank you for giving the Schalotte this interview.

A: You are welcome as long as you are not a Jew. You are not a Jew, are you?

Q: No sir, I am German. Now Mr. President, I am sure you know that Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton have called for the return of the American drone.

A: They must be kidding. Their spy plane was downed 250 kilometers inside the border of Iran and they expect us to return it to them. What is this, some kind of a joke?

Q: Are there any circumstances under which you would consider returning the drone.

A: No, no, no! You can tell Obama and Clinton to … how do you say it in America …take a flying fuck!

Q: I think that pretty well sums it up. Thank you Mr. President.

A: Let me add that we are going to invite our friends, the Russians, to have a close look at this spy plane. And the Chinese have told us they would like to have a look too. Fuck Obama and Clinton!

Q: Thank you Mr. President.

THE INTERVIEW WITH SUPREME LEADER AYATOLLAH ALI KHAMENEI:

Q: Thank you for giving the Schalotte this interview.

A: You are welcome as long as you are not a Jew. May the curse of Allah be on the Jews! You are not a Jew, are you?

Q: No sir, I am German.

A: May the blessings of Allah be with you and the Germans! Hitler was truly a great man! It’s a tragedy that he could not finish cleansing the world of all the filthy Jews.

Q: Now Sir, how do you respond to the reports that Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton have called for the return of the American drone?

A: Ha, ha, ha, ha … forgive me for laughing, but the Great Satan expects us to return their spy plane? I have been told that Secretary Clinton does not have a sense of humor. Off with the head of the perjurer who misinformed me!

Q: President Ahmadinejad told me that President Obama and Secretary Clinton could … as they say in America … take a flying fuck.

A: We Ayatollahs do not use such foul language.

Q: Then how do you respond to their demand that Iran return the drone?

A: May the curse of Allah be on the Great Satan! May the curse of Allah be on Obama and Clinton!

Q: Thank you again for giving us the opportunity to interview you Sir.

A: You are welcome. May the blessings of Allah be with you.