TULSA TARGETED WITH BLACK WIDOW TERRORISM

Monday’s Daily Mail reported that “a plague of black widow spiders in Oklahoma has resulted in almost double the number of bites reported this year than last” and that the Oklahoma Poison Control Center “has warned Oklahomans to be on the lookout for the eight-legged creatures, whose bites are invariably painful - and can prove deadly.” According to the Daily Mail, KRMG.com advised that “the outbreak of the venomous spiders seems to be concentrated around the Tulsa Metropolitan Area.”

When reporters confronted Janet Napolitano about the Daily Mail report, the Homeland Security Secretary announced that “Until proven otherwise, the United States government is treating this spider outbreak as a possible terrorist attack. “We have been expecting some sort of attack in retaliation for our drone strike that killed al Qaeda leader Anwar al-Awlaki in Yemen on September 30,” said the Secretary.

Napolitano assured the reporters and the American public that the FBI, the Oklahoma State Bureau of Investigation, the Tulsa Police Department and the Tulsa County Sheriff’s Office are combining their efforts to investigate if the black widow plague has been perpetrated by Islamic terrorists.

Napolitano promised that the full weight of the United States government would be brought down on those responsible if the multi-agency investigation showed the spider attacks to be the result of a terrorist plot. The Homeland Security Secretary also told reporters that the U.S. military would be used it that became necessary to wipe out the black widows.

In the meantime, FBI Director Robert S. Mueller, III urged all Americans to be vigilant and to report any sightings of black widows to their local FBI office. Upon hearing that, Al Sharpton accused Director Mueller of racism for singling out blacks and demanded that white widows also be reported to the FBI.