THE COSTA CONCORDIA DISASTER

By Adolf der Schweinehund

The Schalotte
January 16, 2012

Francesco Schettino, 52, captain of the ill-fated Costa Concordia, and First Officer Ciro Ambrosio have been arrested on suspicion of multiple manslaughter and abandoning ship when the cruise liner started to list after it ran aground.

Passengers reported seeing the captain spending much of the evening drinking in the bar with a beautiful woman on his arm before the ship smashed into some rocks, sustaining a 160 foot-long gash in the port-side hull. Passengers also reported they were left to fend for themselves by the ship’s officers and crew who shoved women and children out of the way as they rushed to get into lifeboats.

Schettino was seen wrapped in a blanket on a lifeboat and then standing on shore long before most of the passengers were able to escape from the capsizing ship.

As soon as the Schalotte learned about the accident we flew our chief investigative reporter to the scene. By slipping his jailers a few bucks and several bottles of Ciucciami il Cazzo, we were able to obtain an exclusive interview with Capt. Schettino in his jail cell.

Here is the interview:

Q. Captain, why did you inform the passengers that everything was OK when the ship ran aground and that you were only experiencing a temporary electrical failure?

A. Because the lights went out. That’s why.

Q. No, I mean, why didn’t you inform them of the real problem, that the ship ran aground?

A. Because I didn’t want to worry them needlessly.

Q. Captain, were you drinking in the bar with a beautiful woman much of the evening before the accident?

A. Oh merda! I hope my wife doesn’t hear about this.

Q. Well what about it?

A. You mean about the woman ….. you don’t expect me to spend time trying to seduce an ugly woman, do you?

Q. No, no! Not the woman. I mean how much did you have to drink?

A. Two beers, my good man, only two beers.

Q. Yeah, right. Captain, did you abandon ship before most of the passengers were able to escape?

A. That is a lie! I was one of the last to leave the ship.

Q. Then how can you explain that many passengers, as well as people who live on the island of Giglio, reported seeing you standing on shore while most of the passengers were still on the ship?

A. They did? Oh merda! Well, would you believe that I only left the ship because, as I was trying to help passengers into the lifeboats, all of a sudden the ship listed between 60-70 degrees. I tripped and fell into one of the lifeboats. The next thing I knew was that I was standing on the shore.

Q. No, can’t you come up with a better one than that?

A. Then would you at least believe that I was standing on shore to direct the rescue operations?

Q. Not on your life! Ciao.

A. Well, at least give me credit for turning the ship around after it struck those rocks and beaching it. If I had not beached the ship, it would have sunk in deep water and then hundreds, possibly thousands of passengers would have been lost. Ciao.

The Schalotte also interviewed surviving passenger Martha Foster from Milwaukee. Here is that interview:

Q. Martha, what were conditions like once the ship started to list?

A. It was sheer chaos, sheer chaos! There was no one telling us what to do. Everyone was screaming and running in all directions.

Q. Didn’t crew members give the passengers any directions? Didn’t they try to help you get safely off the ship?

A. Help? Shit! As soon as the ship started to roll over on its side, those sorry gutless spineless fucking bastards were clawing their way topside and shoving the passengers, including little children and old people, out of the way in their haste to escape on the few available lifeboats. They didn’t give a holy fuck about any of us. Excuse my language, but I’m fucking pissed off!

Q. That’s OK Martha, I fully understand. But the cruise line is saying that ….. let me read from their official statement ….. “As we are learning more about the event itself and the evacuation, however, it is becoming clear that the crew of the Costa Concordia acted bravely and swiftly to help evacuate more than 4,000 individuals during a very challenging situation.” What do you make of that statement?

A. Say what?! Now I’m really getting pissed off! The only crew members that stayed to help us were the cooks and waiters and some of the entertainers and, like us passengers, none of them had any idea of what to do. The fucking officers and the rest of the fucking crew abandoned us to save themselves. As I said before, those motherfuckers didn’t give a holy fuck about any of us.

Q. Martha, the cruise line has just announced that all passengers will be awarded a free passage on a future cruise. How do you feel about that?

A. Oh yeah? Well, they can shove that free passage up their fucking spaghetti-bender stinking asses. Fuck ‘em! They’ll be hearing from my lawyer ….. you bet they will!

Q. I’m really glad you’re OK, Martha. Thanks for answering our questions.

A. You’re very welcome. Just be sure to tell everyone about the fucking Captain and his worthless God damn crew!