PIG FARMERS AND SHEEP RANCHERS DEMAND SAME RIGHTS AS GAYS

By Pamela Putz

The Schalotte
January 25, 2012

OLYMPIA, WASHINGTON – About 30 noisy pig farmers and sheep ranchers demonstrated in front of the state capitol demanding the same rights of marriage as gays.

A bill to legalize gay marriage in Washington now has enough votes to pass the state legislature, a lawmaker who sponsored the measure said on Monday, as the state moved closer to becoming the nation's seventh to legalize same-sex unions. Governor Chris Gregoire, a Democrat, announced earlier this month that she would support the legislation.

The farmers and ranchers stood out among hundreds of other demonstrators, with some demonstrators clamoring in favor of gay marriage and others protesting against same-sex marriage.

Fred Finley, 37, a pig farmer from Farmington, demonstrated alongside one of his pigs. Finley told the Schalotte that because of his occupation he had been unable to establish any lasting relations with the opposite sex. “No matter how many times I bathe, I can’t wash off the smell,” he said. “Whenever I go into town, people scatter in all directions.” Finley said that he began having sex with his pigs about six or seven years ago. “Myrtle here is my favorite pig. We’ve been lovers for the past three years. If Gays are allowed to marry, then I should be allowed to marry my sweet Myrtle.”

Hank Brownlee, 34, a sheep rancher from Green Meadows, was standing with one of his sheep, shouting “We demand the right to marry our sex partners.” Brownlee told us he had been having sex with his sheep for more than 10 years and he found it more satisfying than having sex with women. “Francesca here is my steady,” he said. “I’ve been in a loving relationship with Francesca for four years. Our anniversary was last week.” Brownlee said he supports Gay marriage. “I believe that if Gay lovers can marry, then the Equal Protection Clause of the 14th Amendment requires the state to let me marry the love of my life, faithful Francesca.”

The Schalotte found Marilyn O’Mara, 28, an attractive redhead from Olympia, and her Great Dane standing among the farmers and ranchers. She told us that she hated men because her husband, a psychology professor at The Evergreen State College, had left her for one of his students. “I’m not into Gay relationships,” she said. “But I love my Hamlet,” pointing to her Great Dane, “and I want to marry him. After that no good bastard left me, I let Hamlet sleep in bed with me. One night I woke up to find Hamlet mounting me, and it’s been whoopee ever since. He satisfies me more than any man I’ve ever slept with. He’s been mounting me almost every night for two years now and I think that if Gay lovers can marry, I should be able to marry this handsome stud. The only thing Hamlet ever wants from me is for me to love and feed him. In my mind, that makes for a perfect marriage.”