THAT BIG LUMP IN HIS DRAWERS WAS NOT HIS MANHOOD

That thief is lucky he didn’t try to stash a live lobster. Had he done so, he could be singing alto now.

DWAYNE PORTER: TRIES WALKING OUT OF CORPUS H-E-B IN CRUSTACEAN-STUFFED PANTS
By John Nova Lomax

Houston Press Hair Balls
January 18, 2012

You have to admire the more stylish of our low-end thieves. Late last year we brought you the story of a guy who went on a penniless high-end dining spree in and around downtown, culminating in a steak dinner he refused to pay for at McCormick and Schmick's. He was busted for those shenanigans three times in four weeks.

And now there's Corpus Christi's Dwayne Porter. Police there say that employees of an H-E-B watched as the 53-year-old attempted to leave the store without paying for the lobster tail that was, rather unfortunately for Porter's dinner plans, protruding from his pants.

And that was not all he had down there, lurking in the depths of his britches.

Once police arrived, a seafood counter worker told police that he had prepared Porter a bag of fresh shrimp, and on searching, cops found those little boogers in Porter's drawers too. (Fortunately, there were no crabs.)

Porter subsequently told police he was hungry and couldn't afford the expensive delicacies he yearned for, so he tried to swipe them. Total value of this utterly shellfish thief's catch of the day that got away: $57.91.

Since the lobster tail likely cost $15 or less, that must have been a big ol' bag of shrimp. Maybe he had a date.

H-E-B employees "disposed of" the funky seafood.