The Onion
July 19, 2013
WASHINGTON—Following Thursday’s announcement that the city had declared bankruptcy, reports are confirming that Detroit may suddenly descend into a horrifying, depopulated hellscape, one with numerous dilapidated buildings, rampant urban decay, a failing education system, near-constant drug-related homicides, and a downtown area that looks virtually abandoned.
“I fear that, very soon, we may be looking at a city that is completely and utterly unrecognizable from its booming heyday of the 1950s,” said the report’s lead author, Professor Robert Fuchs, noting that Detroit may see its population plunge to half its size amidst a mass exodus of desperate and unemployed residents. “Its citizens might as well enjoy the city while they can, because soon enough they’re going to be living in an uninhabitable wasteland where the police take nearly an hour to get to the scene of a crime, the poverty rate is three times that of the national average, and vacant warehouses look like they’ve been attacked by mortar shells.”
Fuchs added that even Detroit’s once dominant auto industry could very well be transformed into a depressing, broken-down husk of its former self.
1 comment:
So much of Detroit is now empty lots that there is significant urban farming going on there, and there have been bear sightings within the city limits for the first time in living memory. Also feral dog packs are becoming a serious public safety issue.
Post a Comment