AMERICAN SOCIETY OF MASTER MASTURBATORS

By Pamela Putz

The Unconventional Gazette
August 12, 2012

In her report Thursday on the execution of Marvin Wilson by the State of Texas, our editor Ima Schmuck interviewed San Francisco gay rights activist Felix Fairweather, founder of American Society of Master Masturbators (ASMM). We wanted to know more about ASMM, so we proceeded to hold a more comprehensive one-on-one Question-and-Answer interview with Mr. Fairweather.

Q. How did you come up with the idea for ASMM?

A. Well as you know, I am gay. In the early ‘80s, I became concerned about the large number of my fellow gay men that were dying here in San Francisco from AIDS. Several good friends of mine died from AIDS. We were warned by health authorities that our anal and oral sex practices were behind the spread of this debilitating and deadly disease.

My father served in the Viet Nam War and he told me that on his first day in the Army, the first sergeant told my father’s group of draftees and enlistees that in order to avoid getting VD, they should ‘take matters in your hands.’ So, in order to keep down the spread of AIDS, I started a campaign urging my fellow gays to take matters in their hands, to masturbate and not to engage in anal or oral sex. And after movie star Rock Hudson died of AIDS in 1985, I formed ASMM as a means of promoting masturbation.

Q. Why didn’t you just call it American Society of Masturbators?

A. Well I wanted to give people an incentive to masturbate, so I came up with the idea of certifying people as Master Masturbators. I wanted ASMM to be something special. That’s why I came up with the requirement that in order to join, you have to provide us with a sworn affidavit that you’ve been masturbating at least once a week for 10 years.

Q Didn’t that requirement keep a lot of people from joining ASMM?

A. Oh no. To the contrary, we received hundreds, then thousands of applications with the required sworn affidavits. And those applications were not just from gay men. Lesbians, bisexuals and transgenders also joined. And as the AIDS epidemic spread to the straight community, thousands of people that are not homosexual also joined ASMM. Today we have over two million members.

Q. Is there a membership fee?

A. Yes there is. The initial fee is $50. Then there is a $25 yearly renewal fee. And for $500 you can get a lifetime membership. Most of our members renew every year, and you’d be surprised how many people come up with the $500 lifetime membership fee.

Q. Do you have any other funding sources?

A. Yes we do. We have philanthropists that make donations to ASMM. George Soros gave us $500,000. And ASMM sells dildos, all shapes and sizes, including vibrating ones. Our dildos are really big sellers.

Q. Can you tell us who some of your more prominent members are?

A. Well, since the membership fees are tax deductible, our membership rolls are open to the public. So I don’t think I’m violating anyone’s privacy by giving you some names. Both Barack Obama and George W. Bush are lifetime members. President Obama joined when he was a community organizer and President Bush joined when he was governor of Texas. Michelle Obama is not a member, but every year she buys several cases of dildos from us which I understand she distributes to poor African-American women..

We asked Bill Clinton to join, but he told us he was getting so much sex, he didn’t need to masturbate. But Hillary Clinton joined and she also buys a lot of dildos. Nancy Pelosi is also a member and a big buyer of dildos. Rush Limbaugh, Gov. Jerry Brown, Gov. Rick Perry, Barney Frank, Jay Leno, David Letterman, Paris Hilton and Lady Gaga are just a few of our prominent members.

Oh, I almost forgot Oprah Winfrey. Oprah is a lifetime member and every year she distributes thousands of our dildos to women in Africa. And I see here that you’re a member too, Miss Putz.

We have a whole bunch of Catholic priests and nuns that are members. Those nuns really eat up our dildos... shit, that doesn’t sound exactly right, does it?

We don’t have many professional athletes as members. It seems as though, like Bill Clinton, they get so much sex, they don’t need to masturbate. We asked Tiger Woods to join and his response was, “What, me masturbate? You’ve got to be kidding!”

And, as I told your editor the other day, we’ve given every death row inmate in the United States an honorary membership certificate as a Master Masturbator. We know they do a lot of masturbating but do not have the funds to pay the membership fees.

Q. What does ASMM do besides give out Master Masturbator certificates?

A. Well, in order to maintain our tax-free status, we do a lot of educational work. We’ve printed a lot of brochures and made CDs that we send free of charge to schools and colleges, to churches and synagogues, to health clinics, to military bases, to community centers, and even to nursing homes. That takes a lot of money, believe me.

Q. That about does it, Mr. Fairweather, thank you for giving us your time.

A. You’re very welcome, Miss Putz. And it’s my pleasure to present you with this vibrating dildo, which I know will give you many hours of extreme pleasure.