SPEECH BY CALIFORNIA’S GOVERNOR SPOTLIGHTS PRISON INMATE BALDNESS

PACOVILLA Corrections blog
February 1, 2013

SACRAMENTO -- Climate change has now been added to the list of problems facing the California Department of Corrections and Rehabilitation (CDCR), according to Governor Jerry Brown, during a dinner speech given before a group of environmentalists at the Carbon Footprint Symposium, held in Palm Springs this past Tuesday. Citing a recently released scientific study involving inmates at Calipatria and Ironwood State prisons in Southern California, researchers have “demonstrated that a significant increase in unhealthy levels of CO2 (carbon-based) emissions have been rising at alarming levels.” Proponents of climate change have argued for more than a decade that CO2 emissions attribute to erratic changes in weather cycles through the erosion of the ozone layer.

According to Brown, the findings of the study indicate that,”…reflective human epidermal surfaces, absent follicle-based absorbent materials, generate higher levels of hydrothermal energy, which, when unabated, produces CO2 emissions greater than the exhaust of a four-cylinder automobile.” The Governor offered, “This study really has me scratching my head. It clearly states that bald-headed inmates are ruining our atmosphere at an alarming rate.”

Environmental groups were quick to laud the report as a major break-through in identifying culprits in climate change. According to Andrew Summers, a spokesman for Citizen Opposition to Climate Killers, those who “needlessly impact the environment through willful acts of negligence cannot be tolerated, especially through a government-funded entity like the prison system.” Summers demanded an immediate redress of the issue, has been in communication with the Environmental Protection Agency, and threatened to file suit in federal court if the issue was not handled properly by the State.

A spokesperson for the governor’s office was reluctant to offer any specific remedies until the entire report and its ramifications could be considered thoroughly. “The popularity of baldness among the inmate population of the California prison system is well-known. We may have to require inmates to grow their hair back, or resort to requiring inmates wear C02-absorbent caps as part of the prisoner uniform.”