HOOTERS VS. TWIN PEAKS

It is my understanding that Twin Peaks has out-boobaged Hooters by a voluptuous amount.

HOOTERS TRADE SECRETS, (POSSIBLY) REVEALED
By Richard Connelly

Houston Press Hair Balls
October 4, 2011

A Twin Peaks breastaurant is about to open at the corner of Kirby and the Southwest Freeway, and it is not an homage to the cult-fave TV series.

Instead, it is the product of some of the minds that brought us the Hooters chain.

Hooters is not entirely happy about this; they have sued in federal court, saying the executives who left to go to the company behind Twin Peaks took important trade secrets with them.

Today the CEO of that company, La Cima, fired back, saying "No one ever offered Twin Peaks any of Hooters trade secrets and it's ludicrous we would ever want them anyway. To think we would benefit from using their trade secrets seems preposterous to me."

What could these trade secrets be? Hmmm. Let's take a look at excerpts from what very well might be the Hooters trading manual:

Boobage: NOTE: THIS IS A BIG TRADE SECRET, AND MUST BE KEPT PRIVATE. Hire waitresses with large breasts. DISCLOSURE OF THIS POLICY TO ANY OUTSIDE PARTIES IS A VIOLATION OF YOUR CONTRACT.

Shirts: Years of expensive research -- the product of which, again, is a prtoected trade secret -- tells us customers enjoy tight shirts on waitresses. IMPORTANT: This applies only to waitresses with large breasts; see, however, subsection "boobage" for further information.

Smiling: Most restaurants require their waitresses to smile pleasantly; while we certainly do not discourage the practice, we find it is irrelevant for some reason. We are conducting research to see if perhaps customers' eyes are not focused on the waitresses' face.

Toe, Camel: Encouraged. We find it helps promote taco sales, for some reason.

Wings: can be as a crappy as possible, as long as other guidelines (see boobage, shirts, and toe, camel for further information) are followed.