A WEENIE-SUCKING GOOD TIME BY PRISONERS IN THE BACK OF A COP CAR

As described in a way only Hair Ball can:

TINA MARIE ARIE: GIVES HUMMER TO CO-DEFENDANT EN ROUTE TO JAIL
By John Nova Lomax

Houston Press Hair Balls
November 15, 2011

It looked at first like a routine call for the Montgomery County [North of Houston] Precinct 4 constable: an intoxicated male passed out inside a Whataburger in Porter. After all, passing out in and around Whataburgers is a proud Texas tradition.

But this case turned out at first to be a little something more, and then, before it was over, the kind of story the cop will be telling in barrooms for the rest of his life.

When the cop arrived at the Whataburger around two p.m., he found 30-year-old Howard Keith Windham at a table inside. The New Caney man was slapping around an unidentified zonked-out buddy in an attempt to rouse him from a pill-induced stupor while their friend, 44-year-old Tina Marie Arie of Porter, looked on.

When the cop started rifling through the unconscious man's pockets, he allegedly found dozens of Soma and hydrocodone pills. Meanwhile, Windham was seen dropping another Soma pill under the table and was soon found to have another one in his pocket. Under questioning, Arie admitted that she had given the still-slumbering man some of her stash, and the cop later found partially empty pill bottles in her car.

That was enough for the cop. Rip Van Whataburger was whisked away to an area hospital, and Windham was arrested for possession of a controlled substance and Arie for delivery of same. Both were cuffed and stuffed in the back of his patrol car.

But a funny thing happened on the way to jail....

Glancing in his rearview mirror, the cop noticed some unusual movements taking place in the back seat. Looking closer, he noticed that he could no longer see Arie, and inquired as to her whereabouts. After what we imagine had to be a little pause, and perhaps a gulp or two, she replied that she was tired and had laid her head down in Windham's lap.

The cop then pulled off to the side of the road, and discovered that the reason Arie's head was in Windham's lap had nothing to do with fatigue. Nope. As the Montgomery County Police report puts it, "Windham's pants were unfastened and Arie was servicing his exposed genitalia." Yep, that's what they call a "blue-light special." (And somehow, these two managed to find a way to drop his pants even though both had their hands cuffed.)

The cop told the lovebirds to behave and took them on to jail without filing any extra charges. Which is as it should be: That's the kind of break you might expect if you give a cop the story of a lifetime.