DRINKING SODAS CAUSES TEENS TO ACT VIOLENTLY

By Ima Schmuck

The Schalotte
November 9, 2011

In a recent issue, the journal INJURY PREVENTION published the results of research showing that among teenagers, heavy use of carbonated non-diet soft drinks was ‘significantly’ associated with carrying a gun or knife and violence towards peers, family and partners. The researchers, Sara Solnik of the University of Vermont and David Hemenway of the Harvard School of Public Health, analyzed data collected from 1,878 pupils ages 14 to 18 in grades nine through 12 enrolled in 22 public schools in 2008.

The Schalotte contacted Sarah Brady, founder of the Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence, Wayne LaPierre, executive vice president of and spokesman for the National Rifle Association, and a teenage gang member of the notorious Crips to get their reaction to the findings of that study.

Sarah Brady said she was shocked to learn of the research findings. “Now that we know how dangerous sodas can be, the Brady Campaign will lobby Congress to enact a ban on teenage use of carbonated non-diet soft drinks. Come to think of it, I’ll bet that John Hinckley Jr. was a heavy consumer of sodas when he was a teenager. That would explain why he shot President Reagan and my husband.”

Wayne LaPierre was surprised by the findings and emphasized that the National Rifle Association does not condone gun violence. He went on to say, “But I want to make sure that Solnick and Hemenway are not part of a conspiracy to take away the Second Amendment rights of American citizens. The anti-gunners will stoop to anything in their efforts to take away our gun rights.”

This reporter went to South Central Los Angeles and found Isaiah ‘Peanut” Washington, 16, a member of the Crips. When I told him about the study, Peanut said, “Where the fuck did them motherfuckers come up with that fucking shit? Me and my fucking homies don’t do none of that fucking soda shit and neither do them motherfucking Bloods. We smoke fucking dope and drink fucking beer and fucking forties [40 oz. bottles of malt liquor]. None of that pussy soda fucking shit for us.”

Right in the middle of the interview some shots rang out and when Peanut pulled out a big semi-automatic pistol from his waistband, this reporter got the hell out of there.