Clint Eastwood promises that Alligatornado, his blockbuster film now in production, will make Sharknado and Sharknado 2 look like childsplay
The Unconventional Gazette
July 30, 2014
HOLLYWOOD – Clint Eastwood, with Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson , Russell Crowe, Jessica Biel and Beyonce at his side, told a gathering of the Hollywood press corps on Wednesday that Alligatornado, his blockbuster film was now in full production with a budget of $130 million. The legendary star and movie director promised that Alligatornado will make SyFy’s Sharknado and Sharknado 2 look like childsplay.
“It’s going to have everything – action, horror, laughs and sex – as a supertornado sucks up all the alligators in the Everglades and deposits them on Washington, D.C.,” said Eastwood. “Unlike the unknowns in those two cheap SyFy Sharknado TV films, I’ve secured two of Hollywood’s leading action heroes in Dwayne and Russell, and two of the sexiest looking women in the world, Jessica and Beyonce … and yes, they’re both going to bare it all on the screen.”
Eastwood pointed out that unlike the unbelievable and ridiculous scenes of sharks flopping through the air and Los Angeles and New York being flooded all over, Alligatornado will be much more believable since "we won’t need to flood the District of Columbia because alligators are at home both on land and in the water. My alligators are going to hit the ground running and attack the White House and Congress … oh yeah, and they’re going to have a feast at the IRS. But just wait until you see them chomping away at the members of congress while both houses are in session. And they’re after the president and his family as Secret Service agents try desperately to save them."
Eastwood said that Cuba Gooding has been cast as President Barack Obama and Halle Berry as Michelle Obama. When asked if Barack ad Michelle would be devoured by the gators, he replied, “Well, I hate to give the plot away … all I will say is get accustomed to President Joe Biden.”
When reporters asked Jessica Biel how she felt about appearing in the nude, she blushed and replied, “I’ve never done anything like this before and I didn’t want to do it, but Clint is such a great director, and he’s so persuasive, that I couldn’t turn him down. There’ll be no body double, it’ll be my boobs and my butt. And my scenes with Dwayne will be absolutely steamy.
Beyonce said she did not hesitate to appear nude in the film when Eastwood proposed she bare it all. “How can I turn down such a great director? Besides, many of my concert tour costumes make me look almost naked anyway. I promise you, my nude scenes with Russell will be eye-popping.”
Russell Crowe said that he and Beyonce are playing the part of two Secret Service agents, and “we will be performing several simulated sex acts throughout the movie. When we’re not making love, we’re busy trying to save the President and the First Lady from a bunch of snapping alligators.”
Dwayne Johnson said he was playing the part of the National Zoo’s reptile expert who is called upon to rid the nation’s capital of the alligators. “Jessica plays the part of the zoo’s assistant director who has been having a longtime affair with me and insists on accompanying me as I try to get rid of the gators. And yes, like Russell and Beyonce, we too are going to perform several steamy simulated sex acts throughout the movie.”
Eastwood also announced that Tiffany Coyne, the stunning model on Let’s Make a Deal, will play a leading role as a stripper and pole dancer at Camelot, a well-known D.C. nude club. “Tiffany has also been having an affair with Russell. Wait till you see the cat fight between Tiffany and Beyonce … it will blow your mind as they battle over Russell, ripping each other’s clothes off, yanking at each other’s hair, punching and kicking each other amidst snapping alligators.”
When a reporter yelled, "Hey Clint, who's going to win that brawl, Beyonce or Tiffany?," Eastwood replied, "I'll never tell. Come see the movie."
Eastwood said that the movie is being bankrolled by George Soros. “George made me promise that the alligators would wipe out the officers and staff at the headquarters of AIPAC [American Israel Public Affairs Committee]. He told me the reason he was willing to put his money into my film was because he hated that pro-Israel lobby group so much that even though this was a science fiction movie, it would give him the greatest satisfaction to see alligators chomping up the Zionists at AIPAC.”
Eastwood added that Sheldon Adelson wanted to bankroll the film, “but only if I got a real alligator to actually kill George Soros and some real gators to chew up everyone at the headquarters of J Street [a lobby group bankrolled by Soros to counter AIPAC].”
One of the reporters yelled, "Hey Clint, are your critters going after the Democrats or the Republicans?" Eastwood replied, "Well, I thought about them attacking only Democrats, but my alligators are bipartisan. I'll tell you one thing for sure ... Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi are gator meat!"
Eastwood promised an electrifying climax when Dwayne and Jessica carry out a plan to exterminate the alligators. He estimated production would wind up by the end of the year and he is planning for the premiere to be held in the nation’s capital next July.
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