INTERNET COMES UP WITH 8.5 MILLION LEADS ON POTENTIAL BOSTON BOMBING SUSPECT

The Onion
April 17, 2013

WASHINGTON—In the wake of Monday’s terrorist bombing at the Boston Marathon, sources reported today the internet had come up with approximately 8.5 million leads on who might have committed the deadly terrorist attack.

According to reports, in the hours and days since the bombing that killed 3 and injured countless others, internet users quickly took to social media sites, online news comment sections, and personal blogs to examine the evidence related to the crime and are, at press time, investigating over 8 million potential suspects.

“Photos taken at the scene clearly show a man on the roof in the background,” Twitter user David Albrecht wrote on his feed Tuesday night in one of the millions of possible leads currently being pursued on the internet. “Still unclear if he’s involved in the attack or just an eyewitness.”

“Definitely suspicious though,” a follow-up tweet concluded.

Among the 8.5 million leads that have been reported by internet users this week are the theory that the attack was carried out by a Saudi national currently in the hospital, along with suggestions that the Saudi national is actually aiding police with the investigation, and still other speculations that there is so Saudi national at all and that it was either an American right-wing extremist or an American left-wing extremist.

Additional investigations by internet users have found that the attack was committed by either a lone attacker, a right-wing militia, a single Islamic jihadist, a consortium of Islamic fundamentalist groups, the U.S. Federal Reserve, North Korea, the Boston Police Department, the anti-gun lobby, the pro-gun lobby, or the marathon’s organizers.

Sources confirmed that all of the 8.5 million theories have yet to be verified.

“The pressure cooker was filled with ball bearings and nails and was clearly wired by a professional, so you have to assume ex-military, right?” wrote CNN.com reader Jason Hogarth in a user comment, pursuing a lead first posited five comments earlier by fellow CNN.com reader and investigator Michael567. “Also, the fact that he hid the bomb and ran away suggests that he is likely not in a group, but it could just be a bigger diversion from whoever is really behind all this.”

“So, part of me wants to say an Iraqi vet or an American al-Qaeda,” added Hogarth, identifying two potential suspects. “Maybe both.”

Despite some contradictory findings, several internet users have also yet to fully rule out theories claiming the victims of the attack were merely actors hired to participate in an elaborate event staged by the government.

“If they planned Sandy Hook, which they did, then they planned this one, too,” read a Facebook comment from Sarah Lochstein, elucidating a theory based on high-resolution photos from the scene, eyewitness testimony, short clips of FBI statements in news articles, and her own reporting from extensive video rants posted on her YouTube channel at 1 a.m. Tuesday. “This whole country is going to fucking shit and Obama’s taking us down with it.”

“It is time the people are exposed to who their leader really is,” Lochstein said, in a separate report a half hour later.

While still early in the investigation, experts believe the internet is likely to uncover crucial evidence in the coming hours that will likely result in anywhere between 20 to 30 million more leads on potential bombing suspects.