HE MUST HAVE HAD ONE OF THE SERTA SHEEP IN HIS CELL

I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if some family member or friend gave Jeffrey one of those plush Serta sheep to get off on during those lonely nights in his cell.

After reading the following report, one Battle Creel Enquirer reader was moved to write: A Frenchman, an Italian, and a Battle Cretin are walking down a country road. They pass a meadow containing a single sheep. Upon spotting it, the Frenchman says, "Ooh la la, I wish it was Bridget Bardot." The Italian says, "Mama mia, I wish it were Gina Lollobrigida." The Battle Cretin says, "Damn, I just wish it was dark out."

SHEEP-SEX PAROLEE CHARGED IN STOCKYARD BREAK-IN
By Trace Christenson

Battle Creek Enquirer
July 1, 2011

A Battle Creek man convicted of having sex with a sheep five years ago was arrested early Friday and charged with breaking into an Emmett Township stockyard.

Jeffrey Haynes, 48, was arraigned Friday afternoon on charges of breaking and entering at the Farmers Livestock Marketing Service, 833 E. Emmett St., and resisting officers after police said he attempted to flee.

Haynes served a prison sentence after pleading no contest in 2006 to sodomy with a sheep. In that case, Haynes was arrested by Battle Creek police after investigators determined he had had sex with the sheep in a Bedford Township barn on Jan. 26, 2005. He was released from parole in May.

Emmett Township police said Friday officers went to the livestock exchange, where animals are sold for slaughter, for a burglar alarm at 3:23 a.m.

Emmett officers and a deputy from the Calhoun County Sheriff Department began searching the property and said they found Haynes inside a kitchen area in the office.

When officers shined a light, he fled and was then found hiding in a stall before trying to flee on foot again. He was apprehended and taken to the county jail.

Haynes told officers he had gone into the building because he was hungry and looking for food. Officers said he used a screwdriver to pry open a door and said he had taken a six-pack of chocolate doughnuts and a cheese Danish.

Dennis Dingman, manager of the business, said Friday afternoon that nothing else was taken. He said five cows and six hogs were on the property at the time but were not disturbed.

At his arraignment Friday afternoon in Calhoun County District Court, Haynes asked Magistrate Earl Brutsche for a court- appointed attorney and Brutsche ordered Haynes to appear for a preliminary examination on July 13 before Judge Samuel Durham.

Assistant Prosecutor Rod Hassinger asked Haynes if animals were present at the stockyard and, when Haynes said yes, Hassinger requested Brutsche set a "high cash bond because there were potential vulnerable victims present."

Bond was set at $50,000 cash and Haynes faces up to life in prison because of his prior convictions on writing bad checks in 1993, home invasion in 1998 and the sodomy conviction.

At his sentencing in 2006, Judge Conrad Sindt ordered Haynes be placed on Michigan's Sex Offender Registry, but the Michigan Court of Appeals in 2008 reversed that portion of the sentence and said that law does not apply because the victim was not human.