IT WAS BUSH’S FAULT

By Pamela Putz

The Schalotte
April 1, 2012

SAN FRANCISCO -- Linda Burnett, 28, went grocery shopping at a supermarket. After she had returned home, her husband discovered her sitting in her car in the driveway with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed while holding both hands behind the back of her head.

He became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she had been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.

The husband called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.

A homicide investigator from the SFPD responded to the scene and determined that a Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered.

The investigator noted that Linda is a blonde, a Nancy Pelosi Democrat, and an ardent Obama supporter. He concluded that could all be just a coincidence.

The exploded biscuit canister was analyzed by the crime lab. It was determined from the imprinted code that the biscuits had been processed by Pillsbury in 2008. So it was all deemed to be Bush's fault.