HOW SUPREME COURT JUSTICES ARE CHOSEN

The Onion
February 16, 2016

Here is a step-by-step guide to how U.S. Supreme Court justices are selected:

Step 1: Supreme Court vacancy opens after a sitting justice dies, retires, or is promoted to the Galactic Circuit

Step 2: President wistfully crosses out own name from list of potential candidates

Step 3: Official presidential nominee slowly lowered by rope into Senate Judiciary Committee pit

Step 4: Nominee charged one-time $30 background check fee

Step 5: Candidate asked whether they see themselves in exact same place 35 years from now

Step 6: Judiciary Committee members ask nominee whether they capable of writing a dissent that could be described as “blistering”

Step 7: Candidate attests they have no opinion whatsoever on issue of abortion, don’t know what it is, and frankly have never heard such a word uttered before

Step 8: Senate takes nominee out to drinks to see how they act in casual, informal setting

Step 9: Nominee stands as their predecessor’s robe is draped over them to see if government can save a few bucks on not ordering a new one

Step 10: Following months of direct questioning, witness testimony, and poring over the nominee’s qualifications and judicial history, the Senate votes on whether they like the president or not

Step 11: If confirmed, justice takes oath of office and is assigned a bench buddy to help them through their first few opinions

Step 12: If candidate not confirmed, process repeats indefinitely until other party holds White House or country is awash in the hot, crimson blood of neighbor killing neighbor, whichever comes first