GOVERNOR PERRY, U.S. SENATORS CORNYN AND HUTCHINSON DEMAND INVESTIGATION OF SUSPECTED TERRORIST ATTACK ON BIG TEX

Ted Cruz, U.S. Senate candidate and Tea Party favorite, accuses pro-Obama electrical workers union electricians of sabotaging Texas State Fair icon; Amnesty International suspected by Rep. Ron Paul

By Adolf der Schweinehund

The Unconventional Gazette
October 19, 2012

This year, the State Fair of Texas was celebrating the 60th birthday of Big Tex, the 52-foot-tall cowboy that greets fairgoers in a “Howdy Folks” slow drawl voice. The iconic fiberglass structure with its 75-gallon hat and 50-pound belt buckle went up in flames Friday morning, leaving only a charred metal frame behind. "Big Tex is a symbol of everything the state fair stands for," fair spokeswoman Sue Gooding said, bemoaning the loss. "You know somebody's a true Texan if you say 'Big Tex' and they don't look at you like you're weird."

Although fire officials suspect an electrical failure, there is widespread speculation in Texas that the destruction of Big Tex was the result of an Islamist terrorist attack designee to demoralize the proud citizens of the Lone Star State.

The Unconventional Gazette obtained exclusive statements concerning Big Tex’s destruction from politicians and federal officials.

Gov. Rick Perry: “As a rational person, I am convinced that Islamic terrorists attacked our Big Tex. I’ve put the Texas Rangers on this and I personally called Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano and Attorney General Eric Holder to demand a full-scale federal investigation. When you mess with Big Tex, you’re messing with Texas and we’re not about to cotton to that.”

Sen. John Cornyn: “It sure looks like a terrorist attack to me. Texas is the energy capital of the world and an attack on the state’s iconic symbol by America’s enemies seems logical to me. I’m calling for an immediate congressional investigation."

Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchinson: “I don’t want to get my exercise by jumping to conclusions, but this fire looks awfully suspicious to me and I am joining my esteemed colleague John Cornyn in calling for a congressional investigation. Big Tex is a symbol of the fact that everything is big and better in Texas. After nearly 20 years in the Senate, it’s just Gawd awful to be leaving on a sad note like this.”

Republican U.S. Senate candidate Ted Cruz: “If the Big Tex fire was caused by an electrical failure, then it must have been the result of sabotage by a member of the International Brotherhood of Electrical Workers. It’s no secret that the electrical workers union is a strong supporter of President Obama. And all Obama supporters outside of this state hate Texas with a purple passion for being overwhelmingly Republican. So what better way to get even than to destroy this iconic symbol.”

Democratic U.S. Senate candidate Paul Sadler: “It was hard for me to watch Big Tex go up in flames. I suspect the fire was caused by a mechanical or electrical problem. My opponent is just trumpeting the Tea Party’s anti-union mantra. To make anything other than an unfortunate accident out of this event is just insane! A vote for me will be a vote for the return of sanity to the Texas congressional delegation.”

Rep. Ron Paul: “I do not believe this fire was the result of an electrical malfunction. It could have been a terrorist attack because of our federal government’s meddling in foreign affairs. But I have a strong suspicion that Amnesty International is behind the destruction of Big Tex. That New World Order organization has a special hatred for the State of Texas because we execute our most heinous murderers instead of treating them with the human kindness Amnesty International demands.”

Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee, D-Houston: “The accusation that the Big Tex fire was caused by Islamic terrorists is just racist motivated nonsense. That’s a reflection of the racial hatred that still permeates up and down this state. Why do you think Texans will be voting for Romney in overwhelming numbers? It’s a racial thing, you know. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah ………….”

Attorney General Eric Holder: “If those Texas Republicans think the Obama administration is going to waste the federal government’s time and money investigating a bunch of wild and outrageous charges by a bunch of right-wing nuts, they must be out of their ever loving minds.”

Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano: “Well, in this case Attorney General Holder and I do not share the same view. I have received Gov. Perry’s request and have ordered the FBI and ATF to investigate the destruction of Big Tex. And I will promise you that if the FBI and ATF find this was indeed a terrorist attack, the full weight of the United States government will be brought down on those responsible. I have no further comment at this time.”