By Pamela Putz
The Unconventional Gazette
July 29, 2012
Friday, I was attending the murder trial of Virgie Johnson, a little 94-year-old woman, when the following exchange took place between Virgie and her attorney:
Defense Attorney: Will you please state your age?
Virgie: I am 94 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?
Virgie: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Virgie: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down?
Virgie: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Virgie: No, I didn't stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Virgie: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Virgie: He began to rub all over my body.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Virgie: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Virgie: His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Virgie: Well, by then, I was feeling so spicy' that I just laid down and told him 'Take me, young man. Take me now!'
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Virgie: Hell, no! He just yelled, 'April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the fucking bastard!
Defense attorney to judge: Your honor, I move for a directed verdict of acquittal.
Judge: I agree! The defendant is acquitted. Virgie, you are free to go.
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