The Onion
July 1, 2013
CHICAGO—Reiterating the organization’s oral health care guidelines at a press conference Friday, a spokesperson for the American Dental Association reminded all Americans to make their gums hurt really bad once each day.
“In addition to brushing your teeth twice daily with an ADA-accepted fluoride toothpaste, to maintain optimal dental hygiene, we recommend that you make your gums ache like hell every day—and we mean really make them sting,” said ADA Consumer Advisor Ada S. Cooper, who stated that optimal oral health was best achieved through abrading and irritating the gumline until it became impossible to drink cold water without wincing in pain. “Too many people skip the crucial step of causing their gums to burn and throb, but it is vitally important to get in there each night and just rub those things raw. Basically, if you have to hold your hand up to your jaw afterwards and massage your gums to assuage the pain, then you’re on the right path to a happy, healthy mouth.”
Cooper reminded Americans that the easiest way to determine whether they were scraping their gums properly was to check whether they could both see and taste blood.
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