THE MOST IMPORTANT RULE OF ALL

Craig Malisow’s piece in the Houston Press. “How Not To Get 35 Years For Pot Possession,” was written in response to the 35-year prison sentence a pot dealer received in Tyler, Texas. Malisow and the two-dozen readers who commented on his article seem to think that this sentence for a non-violent crime was way too severe.

Malisow listed the following four rules of thumb on how to avoid getting busted for possession of pot:

1.) Don't smoke weed within 1,000 feet of a day care: According to the Tyler Morning Telegraph, "Tyler police officers were alerted to Wooten's location because of the smell of the marijuana."

Wooten was puffing near the Ebenezer Day Care Center, in what is known as a "drug-free zone." People in Smith County don't like that. So if you're driving along and you get a sudden urge to light up, take note of your surroundings: if you see lots of parents walking children into a building and then leaving without those children, you might be parked near a school or a day care. Do not, under any circumstances, pack your bowl there. Just go to the nearest liquor store, and you can bet you'll be outside a drug-free zone. Enjoy!

2.) Don't let people see you pull a bunch of baggies out of your pocket: Per the same article, Smith County Assistant District Attorney Richard Vance told the jury "Wooten pulled bag after bag from his pockets like one of those clowns you see..." (see Rule No. 3 for the rest of Vance's quote)

3.) Don't leave gear in plain sight in your care: "...and in the driver's seat of his car was a big bag and digital scales."

4.) Don't demand that a private lab test your weed: Although Wooten was perfectly within his rights when he asked a local lab to analyze his weed, we're guessing he probably annoyed the judge and the prosecutor, and in turn the jury, by this petulant ploy. It's pretty hard to mistake weed for anything other than weed. Did Wooten think the lab might screw up and report that the sticky green matter in the baggies was in fact spaghetti? Seriously, how fucking high was this guy?

Now here is my take on this matter. This drug dealer got exactly what he deserved, all this non-violence nonsense notwithstanding. And Malisow forgot the MOST IMPORTANT RULE of all for not getting caught holding that funny tobacco:

DON’T FUCK AROUND WITH POT!