'JOLLY RANCHER FREE' SCHOOL ZONE

LEIGHANN ADAIR, THIRD-GRADER: BUSTED FOR JOLLY RANCHER POSSESSION
By Richard Connelly

Houston Press Hair Balls
May 7, 2010

A third-grader in a small Fort Bend school district has received a week-long suspension because of a rogue Jolly Rancher consumed at lunch, KHOU reported.

The parents are upset, and the incident seems to stem from confusion over state nutrition guidelines. We're sure it will all get settled.

But our question is -- what the hell is up with Jolly Ranchers and despicable criminal acts?

Last month we reported on someone trying to smuggle Meth, pot, Ecstasy -- and Jolly Ranchers -- into a state prison. A TDCJ spokeswoman told us a Death Row inmate once requested Jolly Ranchers as a last meal.

Is there something we don't know about Jolly Ranchers? Besides that they suck, for the most part?

1. They're made in CANADA, but America.
Sure, you thought they were American. And they were for a long time; they originally were made in Colorado. But after the company was sold a number of times (it's now owned by Hershey), the manufacturing is done in that alien country to the north, and the candies are apparently smuggled across the border by coyotes. (Although Wiki could be wrong; this seems to indicate the plant up north is closed. It's a mystery, just like Jolly Ranchers themselves.)

2. The official "serving size" is three pieces.
Leighann Adair, the outlaw who had the contraband in Fort Bend, only possessed one piece. The feds say a full serving of Jolly Ranchers consists of three pieces. That will give you 70 wholesome calories and 10 milligrams of sodium.

3. Flavors include "Blue Raspberry."
Nothing that includes such a monstrosity should be trusted.

We can only hope authorities all over Texas continue with their recent campaign of confiscating this gateway drug.