THE OSCARS: HOW THE LOSERS REALLY FEEL

By Pamela Putz

The Schalotte
February 28, 2012

Every time a winner was announced, the losers in that category smiled and applauded along with the rest of the Oscar audience. Most of the losers’ smiles looked rather forced. The Schalotte was able to contact some of the leading actor and actress losers after a night of drinking their sorrows away at post-Oscar parties.

Here is what some of the losers told this reporter, sans phony smiles and applause:

LEADING ACTOR (Won by Jean Dujardin for The Artist)

George Clooney (The Descendants): I can’t believe they chose that Frog over me. And he didn’t even have to memorize one fucking line. I gave the best performance of my life and they gave that statue to a fucking Frog. Hey waiter, get me another drink. Shit, if they’re going to give the best actor award for someone in that film, they should have given it to the dog, not to that fucking Frog with his shit-eating grin.

Brad Pitt (Moneyball): How do I really feel? I’ll let Angie [Angelina Jolie] speak for me. Go ahead, Honey, tell this lady how I really feel.

Angelina Jolie: Brad feels like shit. You can see that, can’t you? Having to sit there and applaud when they gave the Oscar to that French guy, what’s his name. Brad was fucked from the start by the media, ‘cause they favored what’s his name and Pretty Boy [Clooney] over my Brad. Fuck em!

LEADING ACTRESS (Won by Meryl Streep for The Iron Lady)

Viola Davis (The Help): How do I feel? How do you think I feel? Everyone said I was favored to win and what do they do? They give the Oscar to that old woman. Shit, she’s already got two Oscars, wasn’t it twenty years ago that she won the second one? It’s because 94 percent of the Academy members who choose the winners are white. She’s white and I’m black. That’s why I lost. Shit!

Michelle Williams (My Week With Marilyn): Whops, I’m a little tipsy. And I’m pissed off too. Everybody says I looked exactly like Marilyn Monroe. I played her to the hilt. My acting was perfect in showing how Marilyn struggled with her fame, her beauty and her desire to be a great actress. And what do they do? They give that fucking Oscar to that old bitch. I need another drink. And make that a stiff one, Honey.

Glenn Close (Albert Nobbs): So what else is new? I’ve lost out on the Oscar five times before last night. But I’m still pissed off. I’ve tried to get this film made for 30 years and I finally raised the money to do it. It was torturous to be made up to look like a man for every shoot. Look, I love Meryl and she deserved to win, but she’s already gotten two Oscars. God damn it, it just struck me! The reason I must have lost again is because I looked so much like a man in my film, the academy couldn’t recognize me as a woman. Oh shit, I fucked myself, didn’t I?