Ozzy McGurt, a former professional wrestler known as 'The Gut’, publishes nocandyasses.com, a sports blog.
Brett Hull has always been one of my favorite hockey players and sports personalities. His father, Hockey Hall of Famer Bobby Hull, once let my youth-hockey playing son spend some time exclusively with him in the dressing room after a World Hockey Association game between the Houston Aeros and the Winnipeg Jets.
I just ran across some remarks McGurt made about Brett in a 2007 column on his blog. I don’t know how much of what McGurt said is true, but the column - written in the bombastic style used by wrestlers - does make for some very interesting reading.
BRETT HULL COMES CLEAN: “I HAVE A SMALL PENIS”
By Ozzy McGurt
Brett Hull, future NHL Hall of Fame-er, is usually classified as a bad-boy. Some classify him as a jerk. There are even those that would go so far as to say that he is a complete fucking asshole. He is rough, opinionated, and doesn’t care who he pisses off. Most of Canada would like to give Hull a blanket party for his "traitorous" act of defecting to the US National Team in 1986, after having been turned down by Team Canada. Hull holds dual citizenship in Canada and the US by virtue of his legendary father, Bobby Hull, being Canadian and his mother being a US citizen.
Brett Hull has also ruffled the feathers of many an NHL suit by being very vocal in his criticisms of Gary Bettman, NHL commissioner, and also the Versus Network, rival NHL broadcaster of NBC, for whom Hull is a part time analyst.
If you watch NBC’s hockey broadcasts, you will notice Hull is as abrasive on the air as he is behind the scenes. In the banter between Hull and fellow hosts Bill Clement and Ray Ferraro, you can hear a constant stream of "stupid", "ignorant", "moron", and "retard", being muttered by Hull. You know that if it wasn’t for the FCC he would be spouting a string of "pussies", "shitheads", and "fucknuts" as well. Not to mention the fact that he looks bleary-eyed drunk. His father Bobby, despite being one of the greatest hockey players of all time, was an abrasive, hard-drinking wife-beater, and well, they say this stuff runs in the genes.
I recently bumped into the Golden Brett outside his dressing room after a late night playoff game. I’m not one to pass up an opportunity, so I approached him and asked if he’d mind a quick interview. His response was less than friendly, but it wasn’t a no.
"Jesus Christ! What kind of mad-scientist experiment gone wrong are you?"
I explained that I was a sports writer, albeit an amateur, and again asked him if he could spare just a few minutes.
"Holy fuck! How can I say no? You might fall on me."
I inquired about his abrasive nature, how it seemed sometimes that he was purposely saying things that would provoke and antagonize people.
"Look, I’m just a no bullshit guy, okay? I say what’s on my mind. I don’t believe in sugar-coating things just to be ‘sensitive’ to people’s feelings. If you can’t handle the truth, that’s not my problem, is it? I can’t help it if the world is full of panty-waste pussies that can’t deal with truth."
I then fed him a statistic of the number of psychologists who claim that aggressive and antagonistic behaviour in men can usually be traced to an overcompensation in response to feelings of inadequacy. Either that or they were molested as children.
"What the fuck did you just say?" was Brett’s response. "Are you saying I was molested? Look, you fat bastard, my dad may have been a mean-drunk son-of-a-bitch, but he never laid a finger on me like that!"
Whoa now! I assured Mr. Hull that I had not implied anything of the sort. In fact, the stat I had given gave two possible causes.
"I know!" screeched Brett, "But I didn’t understand the first part!"
I made a couple attempts to clarify the statement about feelings of inadequacy, but Brett wasn’t getting it. This was going to take a blunt approach.
"Mr. Hull, sir, do you have......." I wasn’t sure I was ready for the consequences of the question I was about to ask. "Do you have a.............small penis?"
His face flushed to the color of a Redwings jersey, and I thought that I was about to see the full fury of the Golden Brett unleashed upon my body. I braced myself, with visions of some of the checks I had seen him throw during his career racing through my mind. However, the most unexpected thing happened. The flood gates opened. Tears began to stream down his face. He began to shake uncontrollably, then he buried his face in my chest and it all came out.
"Yes! Yes! It’s true! I have a small penis! I don’t want to be an asshole! I just can’t help it, because I have a small penis! I HAVE A SMALL PENIS!"
It was a hard situation to handle, but it was necessary. Afterwards we went to a bar, got shit-faced drunk, traded some punches, and even got a couple tattoos. I assure you that Brett Hull is now more of a man than he has ever been in his life.
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