FIVE GIFTS NO ONE WANTS, NOT JUST THIEVES

It’s not just thieves who do not want this crap.

THIEVES STEALING UPS PACKAGES: FIVE THINGS THEY WON’T WANT WHEN THEY OPEN THEM
By Jeff Balke

Houston Press Hair Balls
January 4, 2013

According to a report from KHOU, neighbors in midtown caught two men stealing UPS packages and called police, who arrested them. By the looks of the video -- and knowing the area -- these were probably homeless men looking for something they could pawn. Given the time of year, it's not uncommon to hear about thieves targeting packages left on porches and doorsteps by delivery drivers.

No doubt they are hoping to find Christmas gifts like iPads and jewelry. But, I got to thinking that so many gifts sent via UPS and other delivery services have little or no value to the average thief. Here are a few of them.

Anything from Etsy

Some of the stuff on Etsy is cute, interesting even. But if you think you are going to turn a hand-knitted pot holder made of environmentally friendly yarn into fast cash, you've got another thing coming there, buddy. On the big wheel of UPS theft fortune, you just hit bankrupt.

Those plaid shirts my mom used to buy me at Christmas when I was a kid

When I was a kid, virtually every Christmas my mom would buy me these plaid shirts I never wore. I would always say, "But, I don't like plaid, mom," to which she would respond, "Of course you do." Fortunately, that tradition has gone by the wayside, but I'm sure if it were still around, she would order them online instead of getting them at JC Penny or Montgomery Ward or whatever mall hell they came from, and then we'd have a bunch of ill-dressed thieves prancing around midtown.

Uggs

I'm sure if these would-be bandits were homeless guys, they would like a nice warm pair of shoes for the winter, but even they would not be caught dead in these monstrosities. One look inside that box from Zappos, and the look of wonder would be transformed into a look of disgust.

Fruitcake

I don't care how hungry you are, you are not hungry enough for fruitcake.

Chia Pet

They still actually sell these things and they are still pawned off on unsuspecting customers as "great gifts for Christmas." Look, this is nothing more than weeds growing out of a cheap piece of pottery. Sure, that gnome looks cute with a grassy beard and even though Shrek doesn't have any hair, seeing those weeds grow out of his dome is very exciting -- and great for Mike Myers's wallet. But, for someone looking for a quick score, this may as well be Chia Uggs. Shudder.