By Ima Schmuck
The Unconventional Gazette
January 11, 2013
Suppose we could set up a therapeutic group encounter session concerning the Israeli-Palestinian conflict with President Obama, Palestinian President Mahmoud Abbas, Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin ‘Bibi’ Netanyahu, Israeli President Shimon Perez, U.S. Defense Secretary designate Chuck Hagel, and New York Times Pulitzer-prize winning columnist Thomas Friedman as the group members, with each of them having been injected with the truth serum.
This is how the session might have gone with me acting as the group facilitator:
Schmuck: President Obama, can you tell us how you really feel about Prime Minister Netanyahu?
Obama: You bet I can. That damn Jew has been a thorn in my side ever since I took office. He refuses to make peace with the Palestinians. He has done nothing but hurt our relations not only with the Arab world, but also with the rest of the international community. I can't stand that fucking Jew asshole! If I could, I would have the CIA assassinate that damn bastard! What really galls me is that he had the audacity to lecture me on Israel’s security problems. How dare he lecture the President of the United States, the greatest leader of the world!
Netanyahu: Mr. Obama, you bet I lectured you, you dumbass! Your ignorance about the geopolitics of Israel’s survival is the result of the anti-Semitic and pro-Palestinian rants dished out by your longtime mentor Rev. Jeremiah Wright. You needed lecturing to. You have been the most anti-Israel president ever because you want to kiss up to the Muslim world. You say you are our friend and that Israel has your back. It’s more like stabbing us in the back. While you support us in the UN, and for that we are grateful, you constantly condemn us for expanding our existing settlements and for building more homes in Jerusalem, the eternal capital of Israel. You want us to withdraw to borders that are indefensible. You believe all that bullshit about two states living side by side in peace that Abbas tells the world in English, while at the same time he tells the Arab world in Arabic that there can be only one state from the Jordan River to the Mediterranean Sea. And that's not a Jewish state, you dumbass!
Schmuck: Mr. Perez would you like to respond to Bibi’s remarks about Mr. Abbas?
Perez: Yes I would, thank you. But first let me say that I believe President Obama is a true friend of Israel. ... Bibi, you don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about. My friend Mahmoud has assured me that he really wants to have two states living side by side in peace and prosperity. He’s told me that he loves the Jewish people but can’t say so publically because if he did his life wouldn’t be worth a plug shekel. Mahmoud is a true partner in peace and you’re just too stupid to see it. You, Bibi, are an obstacle to peace, damn you!
Abbas: Wait a minute, my friend Shimon. Yes, I’ve told you all that crap and I’m shocked that you actually believed me. I guess it must be your age. There is no way a Jewish state and a Palestinian state can exist side by side in peace. We are going to eradicate the Zionist entity that you are president of. Love the Jews? I hate the Jews, you old fool! It’s a shame Hitler did not have enough gas chambers to finish the job. Jews have no business in the land of Palestine. They should go back to Germany, Poland, Russia or wherever else they came from. And Bibi, you mark my words, there will be no Israel on the map if I get my way.
Netanyahu: Fuck you Mahmoud!
Abbas: Fuck you too, you descendant of apes and pigs!
Schmuck: Now fellas, let’s stop that! Senator Hagel, give us your thoughts on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.
Hagel: Well, let me start out by saying that I do not want to see the State of Israel eradicated. Having said that though, I must say that Israel is responsible for all the problems in the Middle East. The Israelis have oppressed the Palestinian people since 1948. They have taken over their lands and have treated the Palestinians in the West Bank with an iron fist. The Palestinians are desperate. That is why they have resorted to striking at civilian targets within the Jewish state. Some people call that terrorism, I call it the acts of a desperate people.
Schmuck: What did you mean when you referred to “the Jewish lobby?”
Hagel: I wish I had not used that term because it makes me look anti-Semitic. When I served in the Senate, I was troubled by how most members of Congress were intimidated by the Jewish lobby. I thought that Congress was supposed to represent the United States, not Israel. It was all about that Jew money – you know money talks, bullshit walks. When I was in the Senate, I represented the State of Nebraska, not the State of Israel.
Schmuck: Mr. Friedman, can we have your thoughts?
Friedman: Yes, and it’s about time. I don’t understand why you didn’t call on me first. After all I am a Pulitzer-Prize winner …
Obama: So what, I am a Nobel Peace Prize winner!
Friedman: … and I consider myself an expert on just about any subject imaginable. Anyway, as a Jew I feel eminently qualified to speak out on Israel. First, I agree with President Perez. Netanyahu is an obstacle to peace, man is he ever! Under Netanyahu, the Israelis are acting like Nazis in their oppression of the Palestinians. And I agree with Chuck Hagel. I don’t blame the Palestinians for resorting to acts of what some call terrorism, but what I prefer to call a fight for freedom. Israel has brought that on itself. And yes, Israel is responsible for all the problems in the Middle East. Bibi, shame, shame on you for calling President Obama a dumbass! He may not be the brightest star on the horizon, but he is the best friend Israel ever had. You insulted the greatest leader in the world when you stooped to lecturing him. You make me sick you fucking kike, you make me ashamed to be a Jew!
Schmuck: I’m sorry, but I have to interrupt you here because we are out of time. Thank you all for expressing yourselves the way you really feel.
1 comment:
I suspect there will not be peace in the middle east as long as there is anybody still walking around with those tattoos on their left wrist, nor a strong memory of them. In addition, I see no way to IMPOSE peace from the outside. I really believe the best practical outcome is to keep a lid on things long enough for time to heal the wounds and the hatred and bad feelings to level off. That could take a LONG time. Anti-semitic psychopaths like Jeremiah Wright don't make it easier, nor do smooth liars like Barack Hussein Obama, who, if you believe him, slept through Wright's sermons for 20 years and was unaware his pastor was a raging anti-semitic psychopath.
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