VIRGINS IN PARADISE

The Unconventional Gazette
April 2, 2014

Ahmed al Mustafa, a 19-year-old Palestinian from Gaza, has been a member of Islamic Jihad for three years. For the past year he has been preparing to become a martyr by blowing himself up in Israel. Iman Yusef bin Rashid has been teaching Ahmed how to kill the dirty Jews that are oppressing Palestinians and occupying their ancestral lands.

Finally the day has arrived for Ahmed to achieve martyrdom by strapping on his suicide bomb vest, blowing himself up, and getting his reward of 72 beautiful virgins in Paradise. The Iman instructs him to try and sneak around an Israeli checkpoint, then go to Tel Aviv, where he is to board a crowded city bus before setting off the bomb strapped to his chest. If caught by Israeli border guards, Ahmed is to blow himself up when captured.

Ahmed has his picture taken with his family while proudly wearing his bomb vest. He says goodbye to his parents, brothers and sisters, and his grandparents. That night, Ahmed tried to sneak around the checkpoint but is detected and captured by Israeli border guards. He shouts Allahu Akbar and sets off his bomb … kaboom … he wakes up in Paradise.

Ahmed is indeed surrounded by 72 naked virgins with those closest to him kissing him all over and fondling his privates. However, there is a problem. All 72 are either extremely fat or so thin they look like skeletons wrapped in skin. They are so ugly that they would stop a camel in its tracks. Ahmed has never seen such ugly women before and, even though they were playing with his genitals, he could not get an erection.

“I don’t understand,” says Ahmed. “There must be some mistake. I was promised 72 beautiful virgins and this is what I get? By Allah, how come you are all so ugly?”

One of them replies, “This is why we’re virgins!”