LET’S GET READY TO RUMBLE

George Clooney vs. Steve Wynn in a title elimination bout for the World Asshole championship

The Unconventional Gazette
April 25, 2014

Here is HBO’s rebroadcast of the Clooney-Wynn bout held two weeks ago at the Encore Hotel in Las Vegas:

JIM LAMPLEY: We’re just about set for this important title elimination bout for the World Asshole championship currently held by President Obama. Let’s turn the microphone over to ring announcer Michael Buffer.

BUFFER: Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to ringside at the Encore’s Botero restaurant here in fabulous Las Vegas. Tonight’s fight will determine who faces World Asshole Champion Barack Obama. Now let’s get ready to rumble.

In the right corner, wearing red trunks, we have hotel-casino magnate Steve Wynn coming in at 72 years. In the left corner, wearing pink trunks, we have two-time Oscar winner George Cooney coming in at 52 years. Here is the referee with his instructions.

REFEREE: Alright guys, let’s have a good clean fight. No low blows. Points will be taken away from you for using the ‘F’ word. Now let’s have at it!

CLOONEY: The president’s Affordable Care Act is the greatest innovation since sliced bread.

WYNN: Obamacare is an unmitigated disaster.

CLOONEY: You don’t like the Affordable Care Act because you don’t like my longtime friend, President Obama.

WYNN: Your friend is an asshole!

CLOONEY: You’re an asshole! I don’t have to listen to this fucking stuff.

REFEREE: Clooney, I’m penalizing you a point for using the ‘F’ word.

CLOONEY: I’m outta here! (Leaves in a huff.)

BUFFER: Ladies and gentlemen, here is the decision of the judges. This bout is declared a no contest.

LAMPLEY: Max Kellerman is in the ring. Let’s see if he can get a few words from Steve Wynn.

KELLERMAN: Steve over here … Steve, Are you disappointed in what just happened?

WYNN: No, not really. I think my discussion about the Affordable Care Act was the straw that broke the camel’s back. When he’s drinking, he considers himself a close personal buddy of the president. Everybody who’s in the casino business knows to take actors with a grain of salt.

KELLERMAN: Thanks Steve … Jim, this wasn’t much of a fight. I don’t think President Obama has to worry about losing his World Asshole championship to either of these two contenders.

LAMPLEY: I think you’re right Max. Well, that just about wraps it up. For HBO and Max Kellerman, I’m Jim Lampley. Good night from Las Vegas.