BUT WHAT ABOUT PRISON?

It's a good thing the makers of those handy Trojan heroin and cocaine packs [penny balloons are cheaper] didn't survey me. I would have dragged the city down even further. A lady of the evening once told me "You're Important." When I asked her why she would think I was important, she yelled at me, "Not important! Impotent! Impotent, you old fart!"
　
HOUSTON, YOU ARE NO LONGER THE MOST SEXED-UP CITY, AMAZINGLY SCIENTIFIC SURVEY SAYS
By Craig Malisow
　
Houston Press Hair Balls
July 1, 2010
　
If you're reading this, it means you're one of the few Houstonians who is not outside right now, having sex. Or at least that's how we're thinking after having read the results of an extremely informative survey brought to us by the jimmyhat experts at Trojan.

The "Trojan Degrees of Pleasure Survey" (which is not online, apparently) found that Houston is tied with Atlanta "for having the most frequent sex" -- 88 days. That's only two weeks behind Miami, where apparently people don't do anything except get it on all day long. (Unfortunately, we're 13 days down from our 2009 ranking. Have Houstonians gotten uglier, or lazier, or both?)

And you probably already know this, but the survey revealed that, of the ten cities surveyed, people in Houston "report the highest preference for cold weather (versus hot) for optimal sexual intercourse" -- 78 percent, compared to 67 percent nationally. But still, 66 percent of Houstonians are "always up for sex, regardless of temperature."
　
But the stat we should be most proud of is the "had sex in the rain outdoors" category, where we lead the other cities surveyed with a whopping 47 percent. You people are incorrigible.
　
The survey also reveals that "the most frequent places Americans have had sex beyond the bedroom walls include next to a fireplace, in a hot tub, and at the beach." (But what about prison?)
　
"The study also found that one in ten Americans have had sex in cold places, such as a ski lodge, on the slope, or in an igloo." (While there really is nothing as hot and passionate as igloo-sex, we frankly don't believe that one in ten Americans have experienced such a carnal thrill).
　
Ultimately, this means we need to beat Miami and reclaim our 2009 crown for most frequent sex. Hair Balls is on our way to find an igloo right now...