CHEMISTRY OF CONGRESS

HEAVIEST ELEMENT – CONGRESS
By Fred Swerdlin

Investigators at a major US research university recently discovered the heaviest element known to science. The element, tentatively named Congress, has no protons or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However, it does have 1 neutron (president), 435 assistant neutrons (house), 100 vice neutrons (senate) and 17000 assistant vice neutrons (staffers), which gives it an atomic mass of 17536. These 17536 particles are held together by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson- like particles called morons. It is also surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons (lobbyists).

Since it has no electrons, Congress is inert. However, it can be detected chemically as it impedes every reaction it comes in contact with. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Congress causes one reaction to take over four months to complete when it would normally have occurred in less than a day. Congress has a normal half-life of approximately two to six years, at which time it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons, vice neutrons and assistant vice neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Congress sample's mass actually INCREASES over time during reorganization. Some of the morons inevitably become neutrons, forming new isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to speculate that perhaps Congress is spontaneously formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as "critical morass." Research at other laboratories indicates that Congress occurs naturally in the atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government, political parties, large companies, healthcare facilities universities and Blog Sites; and will often be found in the newest, best-maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that Congress is known to be toxic at any level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reactions where it is allowed to accumulate.

(Fred Swerdlin is a civic minded activist in the Clear Lake area of Houston. He has played a key role in the establishment of dog parks and has been highly critical of financial shenanigans played by the general manager and a majority of the trustees of the Clear Lake City Community Association, a homeowners association.)