Italy enacts a series of draconian laws to stop the spread of Coronavirus
The Unconventional Gazette
March 14, 2020
In a desperate bid to stop the spread of Coronavirus, the Italian government has enacted a series of draconian laws, including the banning of having sex … Yes, Italy has outlawed Fucking.
Until further notice, here are the laws enacted:
__All travel is suspended. No one is allowed to enter or leave the country.
__All businesses are closed. The government will pay the salaries of displaced employees.
__The Vatican is closed to the public.
__All public transportation is shut down.
__All churches and schools are closed.
__All Post Offices are closed and nail delivery is suspended.
__All Italians, except for the police, firefighters and essential government workers are confined to their homes. The Italian army will deliver prepared meals to those so confined.
__All Italians must stay at least six feet from each other.
__Only one person per bed. Beds must be at least six feet apart.
__Touching the face is prohibited.
__Scrubbing the hands with dishwasher soap is required once every 20 minutes.
__Kissing is outlawed.
__Fucking is outlawed.
__Doctors and hospitals are prohibited from treating he elderly, anyone 70 or older. The army will remove their bodies from homes and bury them in mass graves, their bodies covered with lime.
__Anyone who is caught violating any of these measures will be jailed for six months.
The government believes all of these measures, including the bans on kissing and fucking, are absolutely necessary to halt the spread of Coronavirus. The government also contends there are not enough facilities available to treat all the Italians who suffer from Coronavirus, so it had no choice but to sacrifice the country’s elderly.
Premier Giuseppe Conte told reporters Thursday that if these laws don’t work, “La nostra amata Italia cesserà di esistere.”
On Friday, President Trump declared a national emergency. During the press conference afterwards, he praised the steps Italy is taking to fight the coronavirus outbreak. Trump said: “Italy’s got a tough situation, but they have really clamped down, and I think they’re going to see some very good results. It’s tough what they did. They really took their medicine, but they’re going to see some much better results.”
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