AN APPROPRIATE SONG FOR GEORGE CLOONEY

Following his tiff with Steve Wynn two weeks ago, this song fits Clooney like a glove

After reading LET’S GET READY TO RUMBLE: George Clooney vs. Steve Wynn in a title elimination bout for the World Asshole championship, a good friend wrote: “Jimmy Buffett wrote a song about people like George Clooney.” Actually ‘The I-95 Asshole Song’ was written and recorded in 1983 by Fred Campbell. Later on, Buffett also recorded it. Here are the lyrics to that song:

THE I-95 ASSHOLE SONG
By Fred Campbell

Well I was drivin' down I-95 the other night
Somebody nearly cut me right off the road
I decided it wasn't gonna do any good to get mad
So I wrote a song about him instead
It goes like this...

Were you born an asshole?
Or did you work at it your whole life?
Either way it worked out fine
'Cause you're an asshole tonight

Yes you're an A-S-S-H-O-L-E
And don't you try to blame it on me
You deserve all the credit
You're an asshole tonight

You were an asshole yesterday
You're an asshole tonight
And I've got a feelin'
You'll be an asshole the rest of your life

(Instrumental Break)

And I was talkin' to your mother
Just the other night
I told her I thought you were an asshole
She said, "Yes, I think you're right"

And all your friends are assholes
'Cause you've known them your whole life
And somebody told me
You've got an asshole for a wife

Were you born an asshole?
Or did you work at it your whole life?
Either way it worked out fine
'Cause you're an aaaass...hole tonight

While we’re at it, here is the music-video of “I’m an Asshole” written by Chris Phillips and Denis Leary and recorded by Leary:



And here are the lyrics:

I’M AN ASSHOLE
By Chris Phillips and Denis Leary

Folks, I'd like to sing a song about the American Dream
About me, about you, the way our American hearts beat
Down in the bottom of our chests, about the special feeling

We get in the cockles of our hearts, maybe below the cockles
Maybe in the sub-cockle area, maybe in the liver
Maybe in the kidneys, maybe even in the colon, we don't know

I'm just a regular Joe with a regular job
I'm your average white suburbanite slob
I like football and porno and books about war

I've got an average house with a nice hardwood floor
My wife and my job, my kids and my car
My feet on my table and a Cuban cigar

But sometimes that just ain't enough
To keep a man like me interested
(Oh no)
No way
(Uh-uh)

No, I've gotta go out and have fun
At someone else's expense
(Oh yeah)
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

I drive really slow in the ultrafast lane
While people behind me are going insane

I'm an asshole
(He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole
(He's an asshole, such an asshole)

I use public toilets and piss on the seat
I walk around in the summertime saying
"How about this heat?"

I'm an asshole
(He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole
(He's the world's biggest asshole)

Sometimes I park in handicapped spaces
While handicapped people make handicapped faces

I'm an asshole
(He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole
(He's a real fucking asshole)

Maybe I shouldn't be singing this song
Ranting and raving and carrying on
Maybe they're right when they tell me I'm wrong

Nah!

I'm an asshole
(He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole
(He's the world's biggest asshole)

You know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna get myself a 1967 Cadillac, El Dorado convertible
Hot pink with whaleskin hub caps and all leather cow interior
And big brown baby seal eyes for headlights, yeah
And I'm gonna drive around in that baby at 115 mph

Getting one mile per gallon, sucking down quarter pounder
Cheese burgers from McDonald's in the old fashioned
Non-biodegradable Styrofoam containers
And when I'm done sucking down those grease ball burgers

I'm gonna wipe my mouth with the American flag
And then I'm gonna toss the Styrofoam container right out the side
And there ain't a goddamned thing anybody can do about it
You know why? Because we got the bombs, that's why

Two words, nuclear fucking weapons, okay?
Russia, Germany, Romania
They can have all the democracy they want
They can have a big democracy cake walk
Right through the middle of Tienanmen square

And it won't make a lick of difference
Because we've got the bombs, okay? John Wayne's not dead
He's frozen and as soon as we find the cure for cancer
We're gonna thaw out the duke and he's gonna be pretty pissed off
You know why? Have you ever taken a cold shower?

Well multiple that by 15 million times
That's how pissed off the Duke's gonna be
I'm gonna get the Duke and John Cassavetes

(Hey)
And Lee Marvin
(Hey)
And Sam Peckinpah
(Hey)
And a case of whiskey and drive down to Texas
(Hey, you know you really are an asshole)
Why don't you just shut-up and sing the song pal

I'm an asshole
(He's an asshole, what an asshole)
I'm an asshole
(He's the world's biggest asshole)

A S S H O L E, everybody
A S S H O L E

Arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
Fung achng tum a fung tum a fling chum
Ooh, ooh

I'm an asshole and proud of it