ACCORDING TO THE 'EXPERTS', I SHOULD HAVE BEEN DEAD LONG AGO

According to Mike Roizen and Mehmet Oz, the popular You Docs, the real reason to steer clear of steers is that they jack up your risk for many cancers, heart disease, metabolic syndrome -- and, more than anyone knew, stroke. It only takes a little to do a lot of damage. A major new study found that women who eat just 3.6 ounces of red meat daily -- less than a small burger at most diners and fast-food joints -- are 42 percent more likely to have a stroke than those who eat less than 1 ounce. Processed meats are worse: Only 1.5 ounces a day boosts stroke risk by 24 percent.

I think the You Docs are full of it this time. I have been a red meat guy during all my adult life. I love steaks, Texas-style slow-cooked BBQ beef, roast beef, Tex-Mex meals with beef instead of chicken, etc. I have not suffered any of the dire consequences Roizen and Oz are warning us about.

As a kid, I often played with mercury, and I mean often. I haven't suffered any of the ailments that the haz-mat people have been warning us about.

My father was a strict German disciplinarian who gave me many, many an 'ohrfeige' (slap in the face) and many painful butt whippings. By today's girlie-men standards he would have been busted for child abuse. Dad’s harsh punishment has not turned me into a homicidal maniac or someone who enjoys inflicting pain on others. Actually, I believe I am a better person because of my father’s method of discipline.

As an example, after I became a Boy Scout, I quickly attained the first rank of Tenderfoot. But I was in no hurry to advance to Second Class scout. After a short while, my father asked me how far I had advanced. When I told him I hadn’t, he swiftly gave me a stinging ohrfeige. So, up to that time, I became the youngest ever Eagle Scout in my hometown.

While I used corporal punishment with my own kids, it was limited to spankings and I never struck either one in the face.

When I was growing up in Germany and after I came to the U.S. at the age of 10, I slept in bedrooms that were painted with lead-based paints. I did not turn out to be an imbecile as I should have, had the ‘experts’ been correct.

From the time I was in the army, I smoked cigars and a pipe for many years. I have not had lung cancer, a stroke or a heart attack.

Like most cops, I used to booze it up pretty good. My consumption of alcohol has not addled my brains. Maybe that’s because I never smoked any marijuana or used any other illicit drugs.

I just passed my 84th birthday, but according to the ‘experts’, I should have been dead long ago. And while I was alive, I should have been (1) a sadistic psychopath, (2) cancerous, (3) a brain-addled imbecile or (4) a cancerous sadistic brain addled imbecilic psychopath.