Thanks to Glenda Stroud for this one. That helluva Texas lady wrote me, ‘if you blog it, you must be one desperate man!’
THINGS I LEARNED FROM BEING RAISED IN TEXAS
ARMADILLOS SLEEP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD WITH THEIR FEET IN THE AIR
Actually, they are trying to scare the damned Yankees into jerking their steering wheel, so's they run off the road and hit a mesquite tree.
THERE ARE 5,000 TYPES OF SNAKES ON EARTH AND 4,998 LIVE IN TEXAS
Yep, and that's why Texans have Rattlesnake Roundups, especially in Sweetwater, TX. Out of necessity, Texans are a real creative bunch.
THERE ARE 10,000 TYPES OF SPIDERS. ALL 10,000 LIVE IN TEXAS…PLUS A COUPLE NO ONE’S SEEN BEFORE
If you've ever cleaned out the root cellar, you've most likely seen the other two species behind the jar of peach pickles.
IF IT GROWS, IT STICKS…IF IT CRAWLS, IT BITES
The flora and fauna of the Lone Star State are a mighty interesting indigenous collection of species. Remember what General Sherman said: "if I owned both Texas and Hell, I'd rent out Texas and live in Hell!"
‘TWICED’ IS A WORD
And what is wrong with that? Noah Webster just never made it to the Republic of Texas, but one should not fault a literate man for not traveling to the Lone Star State and studying the use of language down here. Texans understand Texans: that's a real important attribute.
PEOPLE ACTUALLY GROW AND EAT OKRA
Uh, huh, we fry it, boil it, cook it on top of black-eyed peas in the pressure cooker (smother it), pickle it. Picking okra ain't too pleasant 'cause one's arms and hands begin to itch, kinda like when you've got some chiggers who were hiding in the Bermuda grass.
‘FIXINTO’ IS ONE WORD
Go back to the comment on Mr. Webster.
THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS ‘LUNCH’…THERE IS ONLY DINNER AND THEN SUPPER
And the point of this observation is??? Main thing is to get to the table for dinner and supper. Eating time is eating time. By the time the argument is settled on WHAT it should be called--why, the vittles would get cold while a body is starving to death! If somebody doesn't want to eat "supper", let'em FLY to another state for "dinnah"!
ICED TEA IS APPROPRIATE FOR ALL MEALS AND YOU START DRINKING IT WHEN YOU’RE TWO. WE DO LIKE A LITTLE TEA WITH OUR SUGAR!
Older Texans make a tea syrup out of sugah, tea, and water---don't take much water. Then, they put it in the ice box. For a glass of iced tea, pour a little of the syrup over ice in a glass and add water to quench a Texas thirst. Texans don't pay any attention to any of those tea ads on TV: they just do their own thing.
‘BACKWARDS AND FORWARDS’ MEANS I KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU
That's 'bout right....and probably one or two things even you didn't know 'bout yoreself.
‘DJEET’ IS ACTUALLY A PHRASE MEANING ‘DID YOU EAT?’
Uh, huh, we don't believe in being long-winded: get to the point without wasting time 'cause there's lots of chores still awaitin' on the back-burner!
YOU DON’T HAVE TO WEAR A WATCH BECAUSE IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT TIME IT IS. YOU WORK UNTIL YOU’RE DON OR IT’S TOO DARK TO SEE
Well, that's true of country folk. City dudes are the watch watchers: even their sprinkler systems can tell you what time it is.
YOU DON’T PUSH BUTTONS, YOU MASH THEM
You damned right we do---- so the damned things will work. We let the buttons know who is in control! We don't have "Button Whisperers" in Texas.
YOU MEASURE DISTANCE IN HOURS…IT’S 6 HOURS FROM HOUSTON TO DALLAS
Uh, huh. And that 6 hours ain't right: it's longer when you have to sit on your butt waiting for the traffic to move along I -45 'round that bottleneck between Conroe and Spring.
YOU’LL PROBABLY HAVE TO SWITHCH FROM ‘HEAT’ TO ‘A/C’ IN THE SAME DAY
Hooray for Freon when you can fry an egg on a large sandstone rock in the blazin' Texas sun! And that cooking method does wonders for your cholesterol. Then you can't be faulted for using canola oil, veggie oil, lard, buttah, oleo, etc.
‘FIXING’ IS A VERB. EXAMPLE: ‘I’M FIXING TO GO TO THE STORE’
Of course it is and we ain't revisiting the subject of Mr. Webster. Dead man's omissions--well, if they didn't get it the first time, ain't no one's fault but their own.
YOU INSTALL SECURITY LIGHTS ON YOUR HOUSE AND GARAGE AND LEAVE BOTH UNLOCKED
Well, hell, what better way to catch two-legged varmints who'd steal you blind! Smart Texans do this all the time! Helps to sight'em in the scope.
YES, FRIDAY NIGHT HIGH SCHOOL FOOTABALL GAMES IS SERIOUS BUSINESS!
I don't understand why this statement is even in this list! A fact is a fact and a feller worth his salt doesn't question a known Truth. It's kinda like questioning one of the Ten Commandments and thinking either God or Moses was illiterate.
YOU CARRY JUMPER CABLES IN YOUR CAR…FOR YOUR OWN CAR
Well, uh-huh, it's friendlier to offer your own cables to a friend who'd give you a jump than to ask him for his cables. In Texas, it's just good manners. Remember, up above where it says we measure distance in hours? What if your battery dies and you meet a feller who measures distance in minutes way out in Marathon and he ain't got no cables.........who is the stupid one then? 'Course, if he measures in minutes, he's never left the filling station in Brewster County or he's just some doofas from San Antonio or Austin out for a weekend drive. Don't let that doofas raise yore hood!
THERE ARE ONLY FOUR SPICES: SALT, PEPPER, TABASCO AND KETCHUP
This statement ain't true 'cause it should say "Watkin's Pepper." My grandmother and my mother bought Watkin's Pepper from the peddler and what was good enough for them----well, lessons learned are lessons learned.
THE LOCAL PAPERS COVER NATIONAL AND INTERNATIONAL NEWS ON ONE PAGE, BUT REQUIRE 6 PAGES FOR LOCAL GOSSIP AND SPORTS
Who cares about Vegas and London when it's more important and more entertaining to learn whose name was drawn from the Methodist raffle jar down at the cafe: THAT coverage and the pressure builds for weeks.
100 DEGREES FAHRENHEIT IS ‘A LITTLE WARM’
I really don't understand the above statement.
WE HAVE FOUR SEASONS: ALMOST SUMMER, SUMMER, STILL SUMMER AND CHRISTMAS
Both of the above statements kinda go together. This is when we drink a lot of iced tea made with that tea syrup, even at Christmas (oops! Winter Holiday in the 21st Century!)
GOING TO WALMART IS A FAVORITE PAST TIME KNOW AS ‘GOIN TO WALLY-WORLD’
Folks secretly think that perhaps Sam Walton's parents were Texans 'cause everything is so big about 'Mart.
A CARBONATED SOFT DRINK ISN’T A SODA, COLA OR POP…IT’S A COKE, REGARDLESS OF BRAND OR FLAVOR. EXAMPLE: ‘WHAT KIND A COKE YOU WANT?’
Why use three words when one will do the trick? No real use in being long-winded.
FRIED CATFISH IS THE OTHER WHITE MEAT
That's a low-down lie from some gourmet sous chef, probably from Baltimore or New York City. Fried or creamed rattlesnake is white meat. It tastes just like chicken breast and tame rabbit, but it's not as dry...and the size of the rattlesnake makes a difference, too: the bigger the snake, the most tender is the meat!
WE DON’T NEED NO STINKING DRIVER’S ED…IF OUR MAMA SAYS WE CAN DRIVE, WE CAN DRIVE
That really depends on who your mama is, especially if she's you-know-who's mama............................
EVERYONE CAN’T BE FROM TEXAS
The best bumper sticker I ever saw was : "Not a native Texan, but I got here as fast as I could."
TEXAS ITSELF IS A GIFT FROM GOD
But, y'know, God got tired afore He finished creating Texas and had to rest 'cause His vision of God's Country---well, let's just say that He had bit off more than He could chew. While He was resting, the Texas Panhandle just glazed over with ice. God saw what had happened, and instead of fixing it (perhaps He just had a Creative Hangover) and going to a lot of extra trouble, he just decided to create people who like that part of Texas. They do---just ask'em. And some of 'em are my kinfolks.
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