TRIPLE HEADER HAS GOT THEM GOOD OLD BOYS IN CUT AND SHOOT ALL EXCITED AGAIN

Not since 1958, when Roy Harris fought Floyd Patterson for the heavyweight boxing championship of the world, has there been this much excitement in Cut and Shoot, Texas

Cut and Shoot is a sleepy little town in the piney woods of East Texas. The town, which is located a few miles east of Conroe, has a few gas stations and other businesses. There isn’t much to do for the 1,300 people that reside there. Cut and Shoot is most famous for being the hometown of Debra Maffett, the 1983 Miss America and for boxer Roy Harris who fought Floyd Patterson for the World Heavyweight championship in 1958.

Until now, the most excitement Cut and Shoot ever had was when Roy Harris fought heavyweight champion Floyd Patterson at Wrigley Field in Los Angeles. I happened to know the people that managed Harris and they gave me a ticket right beside Roy’s parents. Roy gave a good account of himself and even knocked Floyd down in the 2nd round. But Floyd knocked him down four times. In between the knockdowns, Patterson made hamburger meat out of Roy’s face and his handlers threw in the towel at the end of the 12th round. Needless to say, I sat next to a pair of distraught parents.

Anyway, them good old boys in Cut and Shoot were much more excited about Roy reaching the pinnacle of boxing than they were about Debbie being crowned Miss America. So after Roy’s gory defeat, the town returned to its sleepy self with a hiccup or two in 1983. That is until now. A pregnancy has got them good old boys in Cut and Shoot all excited again.

Molly Porter is a 24-year-old waitress at Leija's Mexican Food Restaurant in Cut and Shoot. She is single and lives in a trailer park near the restaurant. Molly up and got herself pregnant. She doesn’t know who the father is. She went to have regular checkups with a gynecologist in Conroe. During her visit to the gynecologist last week, Molly has a fetal ultrasound done.

OK, let’s have a look at the little bastard. After one look, the doctor exclaimed, “Holy Jesus!.” Then he took another look and exclaimed, “Holy shit, this can’t be fucking true!” Then he called the whole clinic staff in for a look see. I won’t repeat the utterances that were made. Poor old Molly was left wondering what the fuck was going on. She heard the doctor swearing his staff to secrecy.

Finally, the doctor told her, “Molly, I want you to be prepared for a shock. Now just remain calm. Here take a look at your baby.” Molly took one look, screamed and passed out.

Now you’re thinking that Molly was having quintuplets or something like that. Nope, you’re wrong. Molly’s baby had three heads. That’s right, she was having a triple header. It was a scientific first. And, of course, the clinic staff forgot all that secrecy crap. Several nurses copied the fetal image, and away they went to show it to whoever.

News of the triple header reached Cut and Shoot only minutes after Molly returned. And the whole town knew about it in less than an hour. They cornered the poor girl. The first question was, “Who is the father?

Molly replied, “I don’t know, it can be any one of nine fucking guys.”

“Nine guys,” gasped the crowd, “what in the world have you been doing?”

“I’ve been fucking,” she replied, “what else is there to do in this dump?”

Molly retreated inside her trailer to contemplate what she was going to do. Abortion came to mind, but Molly is a devout Catholic.

Cut and Shoot is about one-third Catholic, with most of the town being deep East Texas Baptists, most of whom are pro-life. You could hear loud arguments all over town on whether Molly should abort or not. Some of the good old boys resorted to fisticuffs. Others called the Guinness Book of Records. Little old Cut and Shoot would be famous again.

Molly herself settled the abortion argument. On Sunday she went to church. On Monday she stuck the barrel of a shotgun in her mouth and splattered her brains all over the inside of her trailer.

UPDATE: The medical examiner reported that Molly’s unborn baby was perfectly normal. No triple header, not even a double header, just a normal single head. The gynecologist said he found out his ultrasound device had been malfunctioning.